October 5, 2006

A Play A Day #175



Setting: Outdoors, picnic table.

Dunn: That was a mighty fine meal, Pete.

Pete: Check it out, Dunn, best part's coming up. (reaches into a cooler, pulls up a cherry pie)

D: Whoa! A freakin' pie?

P: Cherry at that.

D: Dude, you make this?

P: I did.

D: By yourself?!

P: Yep, Dunn, I made it myself... actual cherries even.

D: Like that filling in the can?

P: No, like orchard-picked-fresh-that-same-goddamn-day cherries.

D: So there's like stems and pits still in the thing, right?

P: Nope, chewed 'em all myself, spit the pits into the trash.

D: Great! Still stems then?

P: Shut up, man. No damn stems, but I bet it wasn't three hours between picking the cherries and putting 'em in the pie.

D: Ohh! You picked 'em?!

P: Yes, all by my little two hands.

D: 'Cause I thought, you were talking someone else picked 'em. You bought 'em at a farmers' market or something.

P: Nope picked, pitted, baked, all by me.

D: Jesus, Pete! What's the deal; you trying to impress me with cooking skills or something?

P: Nah, just had some spare time...

D: 'Cause you know I ain't cooking anything but brain cells most days.

P: Had some time, and I loved it when my Mom used to make fresh cherry pies. So I dug through the files, found it, and that's all.

D: End of story?

P: End of story.... well, after we eat it, I guess, then it's end of story.

D: You musta practiced though.

P: I shit you not, this was, is my first pie... ever.

D: Jesus!

P: First one.

D: Well... it's a beautiful thing.

P: Thanks man. Let's get eating.

D: Yes sir,as you wish.

P: How much you want?

D: Ummmm.... let's go with .333333333333.

P: One-third of my cherry cherry, coming up!

D: No, not one-third, Pete.

P: Right!

D: Yeah, I want three hundred thirty-three billion three hundred thirty-three million three hundred thirty-three thousand three hundred thirty-three trillionths of the pie.

P: Good one.

D: Pete, I'm serious.

P: So am I. (still chuckling)

D: I don't want a third.

P: Yeah, yeah, fine man.

D: (slaps cutter from Pete's hand, it flies upstage) No thirds!

P: (stunned, slowly) Dude! Whoa! What're you doing?

D: You can't cut it into thirds.

P: Fine, but you can't expect me to be that, you know, exact.

D: Thirds are an impossibility.

P: Knife's probably all full of dirt and pine needles now.

D: Forget about the knife. I'm serious, Pete.

P: Seriously messed up.

D: Thirds are not possible!

P: Fine! Fine!

D: NO! Not just fine, Pete! People just don't understand the issue!

P: Dunn! I don't need to understand the isue; you're fuckin' freaking out on me here, and I don't know why...

D: You're not listening, Pete! No one listens!! We all literally want our piece of the pie, right?!

P: Dunn, you're talking shit about nothing.

D: It's not shit, Pete! It's a metaphor! It's the American metaphor!

P: Whatever, Dunn! Maybe we could discuss it; you know, discuss... over pie or something?

D: Everyone wants their piece, and they stop at nothing... but the pie is not equally divisible, even if you're dividing it into threes.

P: Sure, Dunn.

D: One is fine, a whole pie, divided eqaully among one person is one. Two... two is fine too.

P: Yeah, I get it... three doesn't work.

D: Exactly right, Pete. Three... doesn't... work!

P: (pause) Grrrrreeeaaaaat.

D: So when I ask for three hundred thirty-three billion three hundred thirty-three million three hundred thirty-three thousand three hundred thirty-three trillionths of the pie, I am sacrificing one one hundred billionth that I might otherwise have claim to.

P: (long pause, does he want to continue this nonsense?) Ummmm.... Dunn? I would definitely understand what you were saying... if it were true.

D: Whad'ya mean?

P: It's not your one hundred billionth to sacrifice, man.

D: Yes. It is.

P: No, only thirds are possible, Dunn.

D: What're you saying?! Thirds are not a fucking possibility, Pete! You just keep going off... point three three three three three three three forever, you never get there!

P: True.

D: Damn right, it's true; I've read studies!

P: I'm sure you have, Dunn.

D: So you can't break a real thing like this pie into thirds exactly!

P: And, for the same reason, you can't say you are sacrificing your one hundred billionth... you can't say you ever had it to claim, not if you're doing it in the name of equitable... uhhh... equitable... slicing.

D: You don't know what you're talking about, Pete.

P: Perhaps I don't, Dunn, but I know enough to know that you're completely wrong.

D: Bullshit.

P: You know what in the name of peace and being able to eat this pie at some point; why don't we say we're both one-third wrong.

D: It's not possible! Thirds are not possible! Besides there's only two of us.

P: I know, I was leaving onr-third available so you could eat it when you realized how stupid and pointless you're being.

D: Watch it, Pete! I can take you out!!

P: Don't you see, it's a pointless argument; we can't be that exact in slicing a friggin' pie... shit, we'd be lucky if we didn't cut our own hands, much less get close to thirds.

D: Thirds are not possible!

P: (overlapping) Yeah, yeah, Dunn! I got the memo, okay?

D: The argument is about the principle of equity in human societies, not just about the pie!

P: No, Dunn, it's about you being a complete fucking asshole!

D: Hey, if you didn't want the subject brought up... why'd you bake the pie?

P: I already told you why; listen, why don't we just do this... (reaches into pie quickly, smears a handful of it Dunn's face)... ohh, look at that, Dunn! (shows him the pie pan) Looks like thirds are an impossibility after all.

D: (grabs a handful of pie and shoves it into Pete's face) There's my one hundred billionth for you!

(Both sit and stare at each other for a while)

P: You know, it's almost as good as Mom's.

D: Not bad for a first pie.

(sit there for a while longer, licking up the pie, lights start fading)

P: Do you think we left enough for Ed?

D: Whatever we left, I know it's not a third.

P: Where is Ed anyway?

D: No idea; been gone a while though...

(lights out)


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