Dear Citizen Units of Northfield,
My love for all in my realms is storied in the generations of men and animals who have been kissed by my majestical majesty.
I married my wife more than sixteen years ago. It has been uninterrupted, unstinting bliss for more than one-quarter of those years for almost half of us.
Lately, however, a new girl has caught my eye.
Her name is Democracy.
Democracy has just moved to town, and She is filled with the ideals and procedures that will help Northfield rise from the ashes of sad bickering, duplicitous self-interest, passive-aggressive posturing and ill-tempered incompetence that has dominated local politics for too long.
We first met at a party I attended for Oligarchy's 450th birthday over at Autocracy's compound. The second She walked into the room and was clubbed for a bit by Autocracy's Phantom Police Force - standard operating procedure for parties at Auto's place - I knew that this political system was worth further research.
She handled the beating so well, so stoically, almost with confidence and a pride that flowed from Her support by the common man. Luckily for me, the common man wasn't with Her on this fateful night.
Just me. An uncommon man.
Within minutes, She was chatting me up in a corner of Autocracy's panopticon surveillance tower. I calmly repaired the fabric of Her gown torn by Auto's thugs, and She assured me that all my scars and bruises from Northfield's past two years would heal with a little sunlight, transparency and honest deliberation from the people.
Sensing that our ideals matched perfectly and showing great interest in my mayoral campaign, we repaired to the seclusion of the assassination cabana and discussed my upcoming election.
"Will it be hard for you," She whispered.
"For both of us," I replied.
"I can help you with that," She said.
I spent the next several minutes probing further into this beautiful form of government, giving it all I could muster. I had to learn the ins and outs of Her processes and Her many positions.
My research reached a fevered pace. I was completely lost in the moment. Then I passed out.
When I came to, I caught only a momentary glimpse of Her glamourous, yet universal, evening gown as the soundproofed iron door of the cabana closed behind Her.
I was alone.
She had made Her impact. I would be, forever, Hers.
I had never felt better about myself. My brief time with Her taught me so much about spreading her glory to all the people.
Democracy has shown me the way.
Democracy has the ability to resurrect this town.
Democracy has the power to save our world, one election at a time.
Democracy has an amazing ass.