Brendon Etter, the embarrassingly gifted and sparkling leading write-in candidate for Northfield mayor, today released an official cologne to complement his award-winning campaign.
"I am just so excited to be putting this new scent on the market. It tested so well in our focus groups that we actually were able to charge focus group participants just for the opportunity to smell it," related Etter.
"We want regular people to enjoy the sorely-needed opportunity to experience just a little bit of the thrill that comes from being me."
The cologne, called simply "Mayor", was refined from over forty different pheremones harvested directly from Etter's body using nanoservo motors. Etter has gone on record as saying that an extra, secret ingredient replicated for Mayor can never be disclosed due to sensitive industry secrets.
"We would be shooting our competitive advantage in the groin if we divulged the extra ingredient, but I do know that it is an extremely special chemical, because it came from me."
Britt Ackerman, LLC, DMZ, CDB, Etter's campaign spokesmodel, gourmand and attorney, called the scent of Mayor, "unambiguous, there's no question when you spray it on your wrists that you positively reek of victory. Victory and saffron."
The cologne should hit the shelves of fine boutiques and city halls everywhere within the month. It starts at $450 per ounce, and comes in a distinctive Etter-shaped stainless steel container.
Ackerman clarified that the somewhat high price was to be expected because "fifty percent of all sales go to a very worthy cause - our campaign."
Can the Night of the Long Knives be be far behind?
Sure it can! You can get plenty accomplished without using knives at all. What do you think I am? Some sort of primitive mad man?
I am very modern.
Maybe even post-modern.
(spritzes some Mayor on his neck)
This stinks. I am officially off the Etter bandwagon. Derek Jeter has a cologne, which ruins any appeal cologne might have for me (which wasn't much to start with). Beer (or campaign champagne) would be a whole lot better. Shit, automatic transmission fluid (Brendon effortlessly shifts positions)would be better.
Cologne? This stinks.
Did I mention the cologne can be used both as a beer and automatic transmission fluid and plant fertilizer? ("Beleaf it!")
Yeah. It's that good.
Sorry Bleeet, but I don't think your pheromones would make a taste treat at a ball game. Better stick the transmission fluid market.
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