August 8, 2008

Brendon Etter Fires His Chief Campaign Adviser

In Northfield today, improbably gorgeous leading write-in mayoral candidate, Brendon Etter, shocked the world.

He has fired long-time campaign adviser, strategist and mini-golf enthusiast, Britt Ackerman, LLC, TNT, ICUP, in a shake up of his dominant candidacy.

"Britt just wasn't working out any longer," a brave Etter reported.

"Sure, our campaign is trouncing the others, we have no chance of losing come November, but I don't see that as a reason to rest on our laurels."

"I worked my ass off for that beautiful, glorious bastard," said a visibly shaken Ackerman before being whisked away to an undisclosed meditation compound on a bulletproof black scooter.

Etter would not go into detail as to the nature or reasons of the dismissal, except to say that Ackerman seemed "unwilling to humiliate our opponents to the fullest extent possible."

"I can't accept such well-meaning complacency," Etter declared.

"Britt's work for our campaign was solid, but we need something solider than solid. Something supersolid even. I don't want to get too metaphorical, because Britt's a real diamond, but we need a diamond encased in another diamond inside an elephant that knows how to kickbox while wearing a suit of diamond-clad armor."

"Britt wasn't willing to rise to that level. Naturally, therefore, we had to separate ourselves from her."

Etter indicated this action may have been too hasty, and that he was willing to concede that Ackerman's role in his campaign might yet be re-instated.

"We will be asking Britt to file suit against herself for her slight underperformance, and, if she successfully loses that lawsuit against herself, then we can admit that we were wrong in firing her."

"I'm extremely mature and handsome, and can admit my mistakes," said Etter. "If it turns out that the court finds Britt did not underperform, we would immediately hire her back as chief campaign adviser."

Etter warned, however, that it will be a tough case for Ackerman to lose.

"She's very good."

3 comments:

Bretagne said...

WTF? You can't fire me. Only I can fire you. It says so in the contract we signed. In case of dispute, our contract requires you to take the following actions:

1. Hire a consultant to advise you re: the nature of the dispute;
2. Blog about the dispute on Locally Grown so the entire viral community can weigh in;
3. Write a letter to the editor of the Northfield News so that old people who still read print journalism can weigh in;
4. Order a special investigation to be commenced immediately, or at least within the next century, by a neutral polity;
5. Begin impeachment proceedings against me immediately via the initiation of a recall petition.

You have to do all that stuff, in that order, before you can fire me, so nyah.

Can we still be facebook friends?

Bleeet said...

First, regarding Facebook and friends therein: TOTALLY!!!

Second, regarding firing procedures, shit.

Forgot about all those steps.

Ahh, alright, you're unfired.

Welcome back, here's some new diamond armor for you.

Henry said...

Campaigns thrive on defining the moment. Your lack of posts is not doing that.