The Best Mission Ever
The President of the United States of America
Setting: Oval Office. The President addresses the nation in prime time. There is a large fern in the background.
President: My fellow Americans and non-Muslim illegal immigrants, I appear before you tonight on a matter of great national importance and urgency. It has come to my attention that my poll numbers are not as good as they could be. Some in my administration have even called them "low."
I don't know what they mean by that, but my wife told me they suck more than a five-dollar whore. See now, I can relate to that! My wife knows me well enough to know not to mathabatize her language. She knows, as you do, the American people, that I'm a plain-spoken man. A straight-forward guy who can relate to five-dollar whores and sucking.
I don't know how my wife knows about them five-dollar whores. Well, I guess I can't watch what she does all the time.
Anyway, my poll numbers are bad. Big bad. Here's the catch though; (smirking at his cleverness) I don't believe in polls. I don't! Poof! They're gone. If I don't belive in them, they don't exist.
Now some of my trusted friends, here in the White House, tell me that the poll numbers really do still exist. I think they don't have enough faith. Me? I'm a man of faith, cut from holy cloth by angelic tailors and potty trained by Jesus Christ himself.
Still these friends of mine, with all their fancy titles and their (makes air quotes) "reading", say that these polls are out there, and they're saying all sortsa mean things about me. I tell my friends not to panic. I'm very shrewd and cunning. A plain-spoken, shrewd, pee-pee with Jesus type of man.
So, I'm here to tell you, the American people, and my friends too, that I have a shrewd and plain-spoken plan to help America stop thinking bad thoughts about me. My friends and advisors wanted to know the plan before I spoke to you tonight, but I said "No! The American people deserve to hear this straight from me!"
My advisors seemed very nervous about this. Like I said before, they have little faith. I reminded them who the decider was... that's me... and that I will decide what this brave plan will be.
I don't believe in complicated planning or reading or facts. I'm a man of simple means. I have faith that my plan will be the right one for America; so it will be. No amount of poll numbers or advising or evidence will ever convince me otherwise. The American people respect that in a leader: A man who makes quick plans without wasting time on facts and never looks back. A man of firm resolutions! That's me.
Still the guys here who talk to me a lot wanted to know what the plan was. I wasn't going to sit by and listen to their desperate pleading. I had a mission. The best mission ever! I said: "You get me on TV tonight! Then you can sit down with all three hundred thousand other American people and listen to the plan on network TV!" I wasn't about to give those advisors any kind of special access to my plan. No special access for government employees or (air quotes again) "elected representatives" has always been important in this administration. The American people, I'm sure, appreciate that.
So, here I sit, in front of so many thousands of you out there in your homes and cars and bicycles and detention centers. With my important plan... (looks around nervously)
It is a very important plan for this great nation... (looks around with some agitation)
In this time when our nation's opinions have turn against our nation, we must have a plan of great scope and... ummm... planning... (frantically trying to come up with something)
An important plan... or a mission, even... and... (panicky, turning all the way around in his seat) I... uhhh... just want.... to tell you....
(strikes on something) That I now have this plan! I do. (very long pause, stares straight ahead)
(Pause continues, no expression, finally.) Yes. The plan. The plan is this: before this decade is out, the United States will send a plant to God!
I have searched long and far, and I have discovered the plant that will make this daring mission. This fern. That's right, this fern, right here. The fern is a noble plant. It is as old as the world itself; created by God Himself over six thousand years ago.
Amazing, isn't it? What is even more amazing is that America has never really thanked God for this glorious plant. Oh sure, we chant our "Thank you, Lords" and our "Amens", but what have we ever really done to thank God for all the ferns He has given us? Very little. Therefore, I say to you tonight that America will be the first nation on God's Earth to send Him a plant.
That's why I will be asking Congress to appropriaticate almost a million dollars for this important mission! We will send this fern to God. It will have a professionally-written thank you note attached on a tasteful card. I will personally sign the fern's pot myself, and I think we can even convince my wife to give the pot one a those big lipstick kisses; so God will know America means business when it says "thank you" to a higher power.
I am charging the National American Space Astronauts company to do what it takes with this money to successfully pilot this mission. NASA must work with highly-trained space gardeners and fernologists to accomplish this daring feat. This new ship will be called the... (long pause)... the... ummmm...... Heaven Goer! It must be a faith-based ship built well enough to handle the unpredictable wrath of outer-spiritual travel.
Luckily, I understand, our very own National Security Agency has God's home address on file. This should help assure fast delivery of the fern despite Heaven being over one hundred miles from Earth!
Additionally, I will ask Congress to also give me enough money to purchase a packet of seeds to send with the fern. That way, God can plant a whole garden of ferns in his backyard. I will have NASA's top gardeners draw up a tasteful landscaping plan for God's fern garden, perhaps with several ceramic toads to be placed among the plants. They will also include instructions for proper care of His ferns.
My fellow Americans, rest assured that God will be overjoyed by our humble display of gratitudity. It will guarantee America's place at the top of God's "favorite nations" list.
Please join me in urging Congress to pass this special funding for America to send a fern mission to heaven. It is for the glory of America and for ridding America of all these negative thoughts.
Thank you for listening, and may God bless America even harder!