A Play A Day #38

Grosseries

Cast:
Janet
Russ

Setting: Janet and Russ's kitchen.

(Lights up on Janet busily preparing for a dinner party that she and Russ will be hosting in a couple of hours. We hear a door shut; she calls over her shoulder)

Janet: (continues working and moving about the kitchen throughout unless otherwise noted, calls out) Hi dear! Did you get everything?

Russ: (as he enters the kitchen, holding a lot of groceries) Yeah. Mostly.

Janet: You couldn't get it all?

Russ: Yeah, I got it all, mostly.

Janet: So what's missing?

Russ: Nothing... mostly.

Janet: Russ. (stops, holds out hand to him) Let me see the list.

Russ: (pulls shopping list from his pocket, hands it to her) Sure.

Janet: (looking over list) You checked it all off.

Russ: Yep.

Janet: So, you got it all. (back to work)

Russ: That's what I said.

Janet. Well, you did, but you said "mostly" too.

Russ: Yeah, I know.

Janet: Anyway... can you please put it all away; I've got all this stuff to get ready... (Russ takes egg case from top of one of the bags) ohh, leave the eggs out, don't bother...

Russ: Alright. (place on counter)

Janet: So I was talking with Jen this morning. She says that Vance can make it tonight... that should be nice for you two. You always seem to get along with him so well.

Russ: (still putting away) He's alright. Mostly. (he holds up a soda bottle that is filled with a yellowish thick liquid) Where does this go?

Janet: (glances, then does double take, stops) What is that?

Russ: Ummm... the olive oil.

Janet: That's a Diet Coke bottle.

Russ: It was all I had.

Janet: What do you mean?

Russ: To put the oil in.

Janet: No. Why do you have olive oil in a soda bottle?

Russ: I couldn't buy the whole thing, could I?

Janet: What whole...

Russ: Really expensive! I don't think I could even get it in the car.

Janet: Wait! What are you talking about?

Russ: The olive oil.

Janet: Right. Me too. But, why didn't you just get a twenty-four ounce bottle like I asked?

Russ: Well, this is twenty ounces.

Janet: Yes, but it's Diet Coke bottle!

Russ: Yeah, they didn't have any other bottles.

Janet: Of olive oil?

Russ: Yeah.

Janet: They we're completely out of olive oil? I've never seen that before.

Russ: No, they had tons of it.

Janet: Then why didn't you buy one?!

Russ: I did, but this was the only bottle I could find.

Janet: Find?!

Russ: It was in a garbage can in the back.

Janet: What!?

Russ: Well, I rinsed it out in the bathroom! I'm not stupid.

Janet: That's a bottle from a garbage can?

Russ: I cleaned it before I filled it; don't worry.

Janet: Russ, that's disgusting!

Russ: I couldn't carry the oil home in a bag, could I?!

Janet: No, but...

Russ: So, I took this bottle and filled it from the olive oil drum.

Janet: Drum?

Russ: Yeah, one of those 55-gallon oil barrels. Had a spigot on one end; so I filled this bottle.

Janet: Jeez. Alright... it goes to the left, above the stove. (she is shaking her head and goes back to work, Russ starts putting more things away, Janet periodically checking to see what he's pulling out of the bags, and spots another oddity) What's that?

Russ: This? Umm, I guess it's a cheese wheel.

Janet: No! No! No! That's... 64 slices of American cheese with a ... a.... (checking it out very closely) piece of yarn?? ... yeah, yarn threaded through it! What...?

Russ: Yeah, they made it for me right in the store. I told them what I wanted, and this kid found some yarn and hole puncher and threaded it all together for me; so it'd be a wheel. Pretty neat.

Janet: I asked for Gorgonzolla, a wheel of Gorgonzolla cheese!

Russ: I asked. They didn't have any, but they had plenty of this kind of cheese. Each one is wrapped in plastic; so we should probably unwrapped them before people come over.

Janet: They have holes punched in them, and yarn!

Russ: Oh yeah, that reminds me! (pulls little baggie from one of the grocery bags) The kid who did the whole punching let me keep these!

Janet: What... what... are??

Russ: It's 64 little cheese holes! He said it's like buying one wheel of cheese and getting 64 more cheese wheels for free!

Janet: That's...

Russ: I thought that was funny! He'd punch each one and then a little cheese hole would pop out of the hole puncher, and he'd say: "One more free cheese wheel!" Should I put these out with the big wheel?

Janet: NO!!

Russ: Fine. We'd have a hard time getting the plastic off the little things anyway. I think they're kind of cute... (dances the little baggie around in his hand, doing a simple tune)

Janet: Russ! Anymore little surprises for me?

Russ: Ummm... don't think so.

Janet: You had better hope so. (goes back to her tasks, which involve opening the egg carton, she does so, and jumps back) Good God!! What the... Russ!!!

Russ: Yeah?

Janet: Explain this!!

Russ: That's right. Sorry. Forgot about that. It makes sense though, don't you think?!

Janet: Where are the eggs, Russ?

Russ: That's how you buy them!

Janet: No! It isn't!

Russ: See? No one uses the shell, anyway! So they take care of that part for you! Pretty convenient, if you ask me.

Janet: Russ, this is stupid and dangerous. These eggs could easily get contaminated, to say nothing for just slopping all over the place.

Russ: Well, I did have to sign a release form when I went in.

Janet: What? Where?

Russ: At Ralph's... standard boilerplate stuff, you know... don't-tease-the-vegetables-this, or watch-out-for-snakes-that, or may-result-in-fevers-coma-or-death-the-other-thing.

Janet: Please put everything back in the bags. I'm going back to this place and demanding our money back. Did you save the receipt?

Russ: Sure, it's in one of the bags. (Janet digs in one and finds it. Russ starts putting everything back in the bags. Janet helps.)

Janet: Where is this place?

Russ: Well, just keep going past Brettolli's Supermarket... that's why I ended up there... I missed the turn for Bretolli's... so I just kept driving on Sentinel another couple miles. It's on the left behind that paint manufacturing place... you know, right after the old pork rendering facility...

Janet: Isn't that place condemned?

Russ: Oh, sure. I spoke to Ralph himself. Says he set up the market for a song.

Janet: I'll bet. It's called Ralph's?

Russ: Yeah. Ralph's Sortamarket. You can't miss it.

Janet: Ummm... You're coming with me.

(She picks up some of the groceries, Russ gets the rest, lights fade as they exit)

Russ: (almost off stage, sounding like a little kid) Hey, Jan, can we keep the little cheese holes?

(end)