Still Holding'Em
Setting: Poker table, one light over head, cigars and whiskey all around. Another hand has just finished up.
Cast:
Fred
Stan
Buck
Pete
Nate
Gramps
Pete: O.K. That was a real nice hand everyone! It's not often that you get two royal flushes in the same hand, but that's why I like Minnesota Hold'Em so much. More people means more cards and better hands for everyone to pass up. Just a reminder not to go for the highest hand; you want to talk someone else into winning, remember? That's why I snapped up the 7, 2, 4, 10, 3 in different suits. I noticed some of you are still trying to take low pairs, even two pair hands. This is not necessary! Low as you can get! O.K. Fred, you done dividing up the winnings from that hand?
Fred: Yes.
Pete: O.K. Let's start the next hand. Who deals the first card? Oh, and ante up! I think I'll put in 15 for Buck this time. But you guys can continue doing just 5 or 10 or whatever. Don't feel obligated to match my 15 or anything like that. (There is no movement from the rest of the group who have come to a tacit agreement) Ante up, guys! Let's go! (The other guys guys switch into serious scowling mode) What's up?
Nate: Our patience!
Gramps: This game is for pussies!
Stan: It's really, really stupid, Pete.
Buck: Fuck.
Nate: I agree with Buck.
Fred: Let's just stop playing it, alright? We had five hands of it. We each dealt one card at a time face up, we anted up for the player on our right, we've reached consensus about which direction to deal - five fucking times, we each bet based on the best hand we could talk someone else into taking, then we split the winnings equally each time, and so, we all have exactly the same amount of money that we started with! It's totally against the spirit of the game!
Gramps: It's for pussies!
Nate: Let's just stop. Let's play Texas Hold'Em again.
Stan: Yeah! We had our fun; let you teach us a new game...
Gramps: For pussies!
Stan: ...and now it's time to go back to the game we all love to play. You know, where there are actual winners and losers, and you bet based on the strength of your cards or your bluff.
Buck: Fuck.
Fred: C'mon, Pete, let's just play regular ol' Texas Hold'Em again, o.k.?
Pete: O.K. O.K. How about this? I know a new variation of Texas Hold'Em. It's not like Minnesota Hold'Em at all.
Buck: Fuck!
Nate: Pete.
Fred: No, Pete.
Stan: What now?!
Gramps: What's this one called? Pussy Hold'Em?!
Buck: Good one, gramps!
Pete: Guys, come on! You don't even know what it is!
Nate: You're not running on a strong track record here, Pete.
Pete: Fine, fine! I know! I know! BUt, listen, it's not at all like Minnesota Hold'Em!
Fred: No.
Pete: Aw, c'mon, trust me! It's really fun! There's even competition! Cut-throat comptetition!
Nate: No, Pete. Alright, draw for first deal!
Pete: Hey, listen guys! It's great, you can win big or lose big really quick!
Gramps: He hears worse than I do!
Pete: No, I know you don't want to play. I know Minnesota Hold'Em didn't live up to your expectations. But, listen... I'll make you a deal. You each get to start with five hundred more in chips than I get!
Stan: You shittin' me?
Fred: That is tempting...
Nate: Five hundred more?
Pete: Yeah, I'm buying... (getting cash from wallet)... 10-to-1 conversion... here's $250 to the pot. (Holds it up for all to see) Deal? Deal?
Buck: Deal.
Fred: I'm in.
Stan: Same here.
Nate: Alright, alright.
Gramps: Shit. I'm old, not stupid.
Pete: Alright. I'll deal first. (grabs deck of cards) The basics are the same as Texas... 2/4 little blind/ big blind to start. Two cards dealt face down to each (finishes dealing) player. Now. Look at your cards... (Pete takes out his cell phone and starts to dial a number)
Nate: Uhhh... Pete? What're you doing?
Pete: (stopping his dialing) What?
Nate: With the phone?
Pete: Calling my agent.
Fred: What?
Pete: Calling my agent.
Buck: Fuck.
Pete: Yeah, you each have an agent right?
Gramps: A fuckin' agent?!
Stan: No, we don't have agents! What the fuck are you thinking!?
Fred: Pete...
Pete: Well, you'll each need an agent to start betting -- sorry, not "betting" -- "negotiating" is what I meant to say.
Nate: Negotiating?!
Buck: Fuck.
Gramps: More pussy poker, huh, Pete?
Pete: Yeah, in California Hold'Em, everyone calls their agent to start negotiations with other players' agents about what points they can get for which hands and what sort of royalties can be earned for appearing at the table for any particular hand and then... (lights start fading)
Nate: Fuck.
Stan: Fuck!
Fred: Fuck!
Gramps: Fucking pussy!
Buck: Unbelievable.
Pete: ...our agents will talk to each other, and they continue negotiating until a suitable contract can be drawn up satisfying... (lights can go out any time here)
(end)
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