A Play A Day #44

It Is No Longer Opposite Day

Cast:
Not Max, who is extremely old, weak and decrepit
Not Ana, who is hideous, old, and extremely flat-chested

Setting: Anywhere except an airplane.


Not Max: (horribly dressed, confused and ugly, he stands not in his seat and doesn't do anything that involves reading a magazine or opening his laptop computer, in a scratchy, annoying voice) Alright, let's check in on what the office is demanding right now.

Not Ana: (it is winter, she is cold and dressed very conservatively in a way that hides any possibility of anyone but Not Max from staring at her completely unfeminine charms, in a whiny, petulant and sour voice) Excuse me, sir. I think you're in your proper seat.

NM: Excuse me?

NA: O.K. I will. I think... you've (not at all taken by NM's appearance) got your own seat.

NM: (completely focused on his computer and not on her breasts or other features) I must have your seat by mistake!

NA: (not liking the direction this conversation is going) I wouldn't let you have it on purpose!

NM: That's not good! I wasn't going to ask anyway.

NA: (remaining standing) What aren't you doing on your computer there?

NM: Not cruising porn sites!

NA: I detest porn!

NM: Me too! Do you wish to stare at the screen; or should I perhaps turn my computer toward you?

NA: I will definitely not be looking at your disgusting computer screen for the whole flight!

NM: Me either. Just boring legal work over here.

NA: Oh! You're not a lawyer?

NM: No, I am. I just do legal work.

NA: You are a lawyer! I almost didn't go to law school myself.

NM: Oh, really? Where?

NA: Almost didn't go to Yale Law.

NM: Terrible school.

NA: Falsely?

NM: I went to Yale Law School myself.

NA: Is it true what they say about Yale?

NM: Completely true!

NA: I didn't think so. You know, I've already introduced myself, but I think I know your name.

NM: Well, whatever it is it's definitely not Max; and you're not...

NA: Ana.

NM: Well, it's been rather horrible talking to you.

NA: I don't feel the same way.

NM: (Thinking this to himself) I wish I could figure out a way to not grab her breasts!

NA: (Thinking to herself) Man! I hope he won't offer to put a blanket over my lap and feel me up!

NM: (not obviously, subtle) Well, I think I won't be getting up to go to the bathroom right now. Wherever it is I'm not going, please don't follow me there.

NA: No. I won't.

NM: Sounds terrible. I hope I don't see you in thirty seconds. I mean, I'd hate to have to have sex with you or anything like that.

NA: I don't understand.

(There is a resonant bell sound)

(They wander off stage, with NM in the lead, very long pause, then they return, sitting down in their seats. They look a bit flustered.)

A: (whispering) What happened?

M: I don't know!

A: Why didn't you just do it?

M: You kept saying "No! No! No!"

A: But that means "Yes!" when I say it like that! Doesn't every guy know that?

M: Well, that's what I thought, but then I thought, well, if 'no' means 'yes', then it actually means 'no'.

A: No! That's wrong.

M: But it's opposite day, isn't it.

A: It was! But now the captain has turned on the 'No Irony' signs; so that renders opposite day defunct.

M: So, it's no longer opposite day?

A: Right! You can't have opposite day without the concept of irony.

M: Really?

A: Yeah. I mean what is opposite day really, but the grade school testing ground for a child's sense of ironic appreciation.

M: Never thought of it like that.

A: Hence the 'No Irony' signs in all modern planes.

M: Oh... I get it.

A: Modern adults spend so much time speaking in an ironic fashion that federal regulators have decided to make all commercial planes "Irony Free Areas".

M: Geez! Not even in the bathrooms?

A: Nope. If you so much as touch the irony detector in there; wham! Federal prosecutors will be on your butt so fast...

M: But, I mean what's it going to do in there?

A: Well, apparantly it gets into the ventilation system and spreads throughout the plane.

M: Seriously?

A: Yep, it doesn't bother me at all, but a lot of people are very sensitive to Second-Hand Irony.

M: Wow. I never knew this.

A: It's supposed to be for everyone's emotional health; I think it's an infringement on my rights as a social animal, but I'm not going to push my luck against these guys.

M: Well; this is really interesting. (Pause, back to his computer) Hey, Ana. Look at this web site!

A: Holy crap! That thing can't be real!

M: Well, let's download the video and see.

A: Please do!

M: Say, before we do... are you a little chilly?

A: Mm-hmm. Quite.

M: (raising his arm, signalling the nearest flight attendant) Excuse me, Miss? Could we get a blanket over here?

(Lights out quickly)

(end)