A Play A Day #26

Tie

Cast:
Woman1
Woman2
Sharon
Extras - 7 or 107, be flexible

Setting: Party. Woman1 and Woman2 are engaging in an argument they find humorous. Lots of smug laughter at each of their own claims throughout the play.

1: I don't think so!

2: I think, yes! I am!

1: No, not even a close contest!

2: I know! I'm the winner!

1: No...

2: Yes! Completely...

1: No! I've got all the competition cornered!

2: Fine, but I've got you cornered!

1: Listen, there's no question we are both top of the heap. But some are a bit heapier than others!

2: Good one! But this isn't about who's more clever...

1: Truly, it's not! I'd win that too, of course! Haha! See, told you; I win. Hands down!

2: You'd win, breasts down; which is where yours are heading these days.

1: You're one to talk, droopy!

2: Well, I've always had more to let droop!

1: Yes, more... all around...

2: You can keep trying, but you'll never win this game.

1: Already won; it was never really a contest, remember?

2: Not one you could win!

1: (softly now) Oh, God... don't turn around. I just realized Sharon's standing right behind you.

2: (normal voice, turning her head around toward Sharon) Oh, I knew that! Big deal! (big, phony, overexuberant) Hi, Sharon! Sooo nice to see you here! Great party, huh? Hey, maybe you could settle an argument that we're having here. See, we were just wondering which one of us...

Sharon: (flat) Is the bigger bitch?

1: Exactly! See, I know that I'm the biggest bitch in this town, maybe even the whole state!

2: Doubtful! You see, Sharon, what I've been dealing with here?

Sharon: (flat) Yes. I overheard the conversation.

1: Good! Then you already know the arguments on both sides.

2: That's a good point!

Sharon: (No emotion, no humor, poker-faced but fast and very, very deadly. More and more of the extras stop talking and pay attention to Sharon's speech as it continues, eventually engaging all of them.) I already knew the arguments. I've known both of you for several years now, and it's been nothing but excruciating.
You can't imagine the type of pain that the two of you cause to those around you. I'm glad that you find the subject of your bitchiness something to joke about, but, I assure you, for those of us in town who have to bump into either of you from time to time, your bitchiness is far from funny.
I know that you think that you're being catty. Fun bitchy. That there's a great desire for you to play up your bitchiness as an ironic expression of your strength as a woman. But, Oprah's not here ladies. No one is saying "You go, girl!" You already went, and neither of you could be called a girl any longer.
The fact that both of you are chuckling at your claims to be the bigger bitch means that you actually don't think of yourselves as bitches. I can attest to the fact that you both actually are... actual bitches. Real, live bad people.
I know further, that you are already cementing my comments over with another layer of irony, but, again, I repeat, for this can not be stressed enough, you are really horrible human beings. There's something actually physically rotting inside you. Your hearts, maybe? Your spirit? Doesn't matter, but, please know that, whatever it may be, it's rotting there, and it's killing you. It's killing everyone that has to deal with you.
You're neither funny nor charming. You get invited to every big event, because you have money. Of course, what you possess in wealth, you lack in character. You're fakes: part plastic, part social convention, part finances.
So, let me state, for the record, in front of these witnesses, that your contest is a sham. At best, it's a tie, and, like all ties, you both win, because you both lose. (Sharon walks away easily. The extras slowly start clapping, getting louder and louder, 1 and 2 are very much in the center of the crowd, trying to smile Sharon's speech away, lights start fading, applause dies down)

2: (as lights go out) I guess she wins.

1: (voice cracking) Shut up... stupid bitch.

(end)