Friend To Everyone
Setting: Lunch counter at a stylish deli.
(Melena is at a small two-chair table, eating a salad, Carly enters and looks at Melena, walks about, then comes over to the table)
Carly: Tammy? Tammy, it's me! Hiii!
C: Carly. From church?
C: Remember, you joined last week, and I helped you with your marriage to Jesus ceremony?
C: Yeeesss! You said you had been saved from evil by letting Jesus take you as his bride.
M: Ummm... my name's Melena.
C: Right, Melena! Sorry, I thought it was Tammy. I can be so empty-headed...
M: I didn't marry Jesus last week.
C: Right, ohhh... yes, I meant that you said that's what the new church was like.
M: I didn't go to church last week.
C: Oh, me either... so busy...
M: No, I wasn't busy; I don't go to church. Ever.
C: Yeah, me either. I just pray a lot, spirtuality is more of a personal thing for me.
M: I don't pray either.
C: You know, Melena, I was going to confess that I don't pray either. I think spirituality is about being silent and still.
M: I don't believe in any god.
C: I've been really having my doubts lately too.
M: Religion, spirituality and god are for the easily-led, the sheep.
C: (makes a sheep bleat, then laughs) That's what I'm starting to realize... I mean how gullible can some people be? Jeez.
M: So, how do I know you, then? It's not from being with you at a church I don't attend in a ceremony that I'd never take part in as part of a religion that I don't follow. So... how exactly?
C: I remember now! We were at the Republican rally about a month ago, for Jim Polas. He's the best!
M: You mean the conceal-and-carry fuckhead?
C: Isn't he horrible? Good thing there were so many other great Republicans there to support. I'm totally a registered Republican!
M: Republicans are the infected asshole of society.
C: But I always vote Democrat!
M: Democrats aren't much better.
C: When I'm not voting Independent, which is what I usually do.
M: I don't vote at all.
C: Exactly! Who needs'em?!
M: Again... why are you talking to me?
C: I know I know you from somewhere; don't you remember me?
M: Ummm... no.
C: (excited) You know what? I don't remember you either!
C: We have so much in common!
C: We both don't remember each other. It's great to have such good friends like you. Great memories, huh?
C: We totally have to get together more often! I have a pretty busy social calendar... lotsa friends...
M: I don't like having lots of friends.
C: ...that I really don't have...
M: People with a lot of friends are very hollow and phony.
C: I know! Yuck! Can't stand'em!
M: I prefer to be a genuine friend to a couple of people.
C: Exactly, like you and me, Melena!
M: I wish phony people would just kill themselves.
C: Me too...
M: They do so much harm to everyone else with their mindless social positioning.
C: Oh, I know, I know... terrible people.
M: Just take a gun and pow! right through the head.
C: It oughtta be a law!
M: They are not even human.
C: Not even close.
(Melena pulls a pistol from her purse, places it flat on the table between them)
M: Good thing Jim Polas got that law passed.
C: Oh yeah, he's just awesome!
M: I carry it for protection, of course.
C: Sure, you should!
M: Right, never know when you're going to run into a social vampire.
C: So scary!
M: Luckily, it's loaded. Silver bullets.
(Melena gets up, turns away, starts exiting)
M: I think you know what to do.
(Carly stares at the gun, swallowing hard, lights slowly fade)