A Play A Day #221

Fuck You


Cast:
1
2

Setting: Everywhere, everyone


(enter 1, stage left, looking down, enter 2, stage right, looking up, they collide in center, stumble, step back)

1: (mumbles to her/himself) Fuck you.

2: Excuse me?

1: (only slightly louder) Fuck you.

2: What?

1: (conversationally, but not looking at 2) Fuck you.

2: Hello?

1: What?

2: Hello?

1: No, I said, "Fuck you".

2: Oh. (long pause, they are motionless but thinking) Really?

1: Yeah.

2: "Fuck you"?

1: Right.

2: Like, (says it very affectionately and demonstrably as if meeting a gregarious, vulgar friend) fuck you?

1: No. Not like that.

2: Oh, okay, maybe more like, (said very menacingly, as if ready to attack) fuck you!!?

1: Whoa, no, not like that either.

2: Hmmm... neither one...

(long pause, thinking)

1: (not certain, but saying it anyway) It was maybe about halfway between those two.

2: Like how?

1: Hmm?

2: Well, you know, could you show me how that would sound?

1: What? Halfway?

2: Right, between the two extremes.

1: Uhhh... okay.... (pause as 1 tries to figure out how that would sound, gets nervous) Ummm... you know, I'm not an actor or anything.

2: That's fine; I'm not either. Just give it a shot; I'm really curious.

1: Okay... I'll try... (long pause as 1 works up to it) Fuck you!

2: (beat) That sounded kind of like you were going to stab me with a sponge.

1: I know, sorry.

2: Wouldn't it be more like, (works up to it) fuck you!?

1: Yeah, except without the questioning tone.

2: Awesome. Maybe I should try to become an actor.

1: That would be great.

2: The world needs more actors.

1: The world needs more actors that can swear.

2: Yeah! (just saying it as practice, changing tone and pitch with each one, 1 tries to mimic each one immediately after 2 says it) Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you. Fuck you! Fuck you? Fuck. You. Fuckyou! Fuuuuuuccccckkk yoooouuuu! Fuckfuck youyou. Fuck! You? Fukku!

1: Wow! You really are good! That's not easy to do.

2: Felt pretty natural for me.

1: Man! Wish I could swear so divergently.

2: Ahh, keep practicing. It'll come to you.

1: (kind of mumbling, working on different versions of "Fuck you") There are so many possibilities! (turns abruptly to 2)

(2 decks 1 with a powerful punch, then immediately leans over and helps 1 back to his/her feet)

1: Fuck! What did you do that for?

2: You did say "fuck you" to me. I was offended and angered.

1: Oh, yeah, I did... that's right. Sorry.

2: Hey. I'm sorry for punching you.

1: Well, I think you probably had to.

2: Nah... I was just practicing for an acting career. That's what you always do in movies and plays when you get offended and angered.

1: Yeah, but, I don't think they actually punch people when they're acting.

2: Oh... yeah... they probably don't. Well, fuck me then.

1: (laughs) Don't worry about it. Can we keep practicing?

2: Sure.

(they slowly start walking off, a teacher and a pupil, lights fading)

1: I was thinking... how would you say it, like if you were in a fast approaching train, and someone was listening at the railroad crossing?

2: Oh, like, (does Doppler effect version) ffffffffffuuuuuuuucccckk yyooooouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu?

1: That's it! Awesome! What about an angry gerbil on a fast approaching train?

2: (extremely high-pitched Doppler version) Ffffffffffffuuuuuuuuuuuccccckk yyyooooooouuuuuuuuuuuuuu?

(They are off, lights are out)

(exit)