A Play A Day #209

Friend To Everyone


Cast:
Carly
Melena

Setting: Lunch counter at a stylish deli.


(Melena is at a small two-chair table, eating a salad, Carly enters and looks at Melena, walks about, then comes over to the table)

Carly: Tammy? Tammy, it's me! Hiii!

Melena: What?

C: Carly. From church?

M: Church?

C: Remember, you joined last week, and I helped you with your marriage to Jesus ceremony?

M: Jesus?

C: Yeeesss! You said you had been saved from evil by letting Jesus take you as his bride.

M: Ummm... my name's Melena.

C: Right, Melena! Sorry, I thought it was Tammy. I can be so empty-headed...

M: I didn't marry Jesus last week.

C: Right, ohhh... yes, I meant that you said that's what the new church was like.

M: I didn't go to church last week.

C: Oh, me either... so busy...

M: No, I wasn't busy; I don't go to church. Ever.

C: Yeah, me either. I just pray a lot, spirtuality is more of a personal thing for me.

M: I don't pray either.

C: You know, Melena, I was going to confess that I don't pray either. I think spirituality is about being silent and still.

M: I don't believe in any god.

C: I've been really having my doubts lately too.

M: Religion, spirituality and god are for the easily-led, the sheep.

C: (makes a sheep bleat, then laughs) That's what I'm starting to realize... I mean how gullible can some people be? Jeez.

M: So, how do I know you, then? It's not from being with you at a church I don't attend in a ceremony that I'd never take part in as part of a religion that I don't follow. So... how exactly?

C: I remember now! We were at the Republican rally about a month ago, for Jim Polas. He's the best!

M: You mean the conceal-and-carry fuckhead?

C: Isn't he horrible? Good thing there were so many other great Republicans there to support. I'm totally a registered Republican!

M: Republicans are the infected asshole of society.

C: But I always vote Democrat!

M: Democrats aren't much better.

C: When I'm not voting Independent, which is what I usually do.

M: I don't vote at all.

C: Exactly! Who needs'em?!

(long pause)

M: Again... why are you talking to me?

C: I know I know you from somewhere; don't you remember me?

M: Ummm... no.

C: (excited) You know what? I don't remember you either!

M: Great.

C: We have so much in common!

M: What?

C: We both don't remember each other. It's great to have such good friends like you. Great memories, huh?

M: Uhhh...

C: We totally have to get together more often! I have a pretty busy social calendar... lotsa friends...

M: I don't like having lots of friends.

C: ...that I really don't have...

M: People with a lot of friends are very hollow and phony.

C: I know! Yuck! Can't stand'em!

M: I prefer to be a genuine friend to a couple of people.

C: Exactly, like you and me, Melena!

M: I wish phony people would just kill themselves.

C: Me too...

M: They do so much harm to everyone else with their mindless social positioning.

C: Oh, I know, I know... terrible people.

M: Just take a gun and pow! right through the head.

C: It oughtta be a law!

M: They are not even human.

C: Not even close.

(Melena pulls a pistol from her purse, places it flat on the table between them)

M: Good thing Jim Polas got that law passed.

C: Oh yeah, he's just awesome!

M: I carry it for protection, of course.

C: Sure, you should!

M: Right, never know when you're going to run into a social vampire.

C: So scary!

M: Luckily, it's loaded. Silver bullets.

(Melena gets up, turns away, starts exiting)

M: I think you know what to do.

(Carly stares at the gun, swallowing hard, lights slowly fade)

(end)