Holy Fucking Shit
Cast:
Max
Egg
Setting: Walking a mountain trail to the peak. Max and Egg in hiking gear.
Egg: (not breathing well) Holy...fucking...shit...
Max: You keep your head down sometimes, the altitude gets to you...
Egg: Holy... fucking... shit...
Max: Just relax, try to take a breath with each step....
Egg: Holy.... fucking... shit...
Max: ... just very intentional walking... step once, breathe, full breath, then step again, breathe again... Got it, Egg? I'm slowing down too. Alright? One step... breathe... step... breathe.
Egg: (getting worse) Ho... ly.... fuck... ing....... shit....
Max: You know, you'll be fine, Egg. You're in decent shape, man, you can do it! I know that's easy for me to say, since I live at about 9,000 feet, but, I know you're ready for the final climb. We're almost at 14,300 feet here!
Egg: (stopped, staring at Max) Holy...
Max: We can stop for a bit...
Egg: ....fucking...
Max: ...take a breather...
Egg: ... shit...
Max: We'll just sit...
(long pause, Max drinks water)
Max: You should get some more water, Egg. Sun's brutal at this elevation.
Egg: (opens water bottle, drinks all of it in one long slug, large intake of breath) Holy... fucking...
Max: You really should've saved some water there, Egg.
Egg: (looking at bottle) ...shit.
Max: Ahh, I've got a lot left; we should be fine. (standing up) Let's get going!
Egg: (with pain and great slowness picks himself up) Ho...
Max: I knew it'd be tough on you...
Egg: ...ly....
Max: Living at sea level...
Egg: ...Fu...
Max: ...smoking two packs a day...
Egg: ...king....
Max: ...since you were eleven...
Egg: ...shhhh...
Max: ...same day that your flight got in...
Egg: ...iiiiiittt....
Max: ...usually you want to spend a few days at altitude to adapt, but, you said we should go, just kinda shot right out of your mouth when I picked you up...
Egg: Holy fucking...
Max: ...and, you know me, I'm always up for mountain climbs...
Egg: ...shit...
Max: Hey, man, only about a hundred more feet and we're there! C'mon, breathe, man, breathe...
Egg: (he's literally almost dying, way over the top with his breathing and plodding steps, drooling, drenched, getting delirious) Hoshit...
Max: Just a step...
Egg: ...fuckly...
Max: ...then another...
Egg: ...ing...
Max: ...so close, Egg! So close!
Egg: (he is falling more than walking) ...ingfu...
Max: We're gonna make it, Egg!
Egg: ...kshitly...
Max: You're gonna do it, man!!
Egg: ...Ho...
Max: Just a few more feet, Egg! C'mon...
Egg: (collapses on hands and knees, crawls shakily, like a very old dog) Hooooo....
Max: (bounds to the peak, which would be the other side of the stage, turning around, shouting back) This is it, Egg! The peak! Right here!
Egg: ...fuuuuuuuuu....
Max: C'mon, Egg! Crawl! You can crawl! One knee, then a breath, then one hand, breath!!
Egg: ....sssshhhhhhhh....
Max: Yeah!! You got it! You got it! Feel the rhythm, Egg! Crawl! Breathe! Crawl! Breathe!
Egg: (heaving for air with impossible force) ...Hoooooooo....
Max: (calling him much like you would a dog) C'mon! C'mon, Egg!! Come here, man!
Egg: (a great final heave)... ffffuuusssshhhh...
Max: Yeah!!!! You made it!! (Egg collapses at Max's feet, Max dumps a little water on Egg's head and back, rubs his hair) Breathe, man! Breathe.... deep... slow... deep breaths, Egg! You did it, man! You did it! You made it! Way to go! Hey, you know what else? I think being out in nature has really helped your Tourettes!
(Max checks on Egg, a little more, Egg's very slowly recovering, Max stands, walks about a little bit, takes in the view, breathes deeply, really appreciating the scene)
Max: Hey, Egg! You just have to check out the view! You really have to! It's amazing! Check it out! Wow!
Egg: (Egg stirs and slowly picks up his head, facing audience, he slowly turns his head from side to side, then slowly starts to smile in great appreciation of the beauty before him, and finally says with awe) Holy. Fucking. Shit.
(lights start to fade)
Max: (standing, looking out into audience, nods his head slowly in agreement, speaks in slow affirmation of Egg) Well said, Egg, well said: Holy fucking shit.
(lights out)
(end)
4 comments:
A couple of years ago I went mountain climbing (not TECHNICAL climbing, but difficult hiking up non-trails to the top of peaks) in Colorado. Our max was about 13,900 feet (the 14,000 footer we wanted to do was too snowy still).
Egg's reaction to the entire thing is an exact representation of how I felt for most of the hikes. It was fun but...Holy...Fucking...Shit [gasp].
In other news, congatulations on last night--I don't know if criticisms were helpful or not, but it was definitely fun to see a few of your shows in live action or, at least, voiced out loud. Die Frau and I had a good time.
Yep, I've climbed a couple 14ers in Colorado, including the highest one (Mt. Elbert, 14,433 feet if memory serves) I did much better than Egg, the light-headedness is what bugs me the most.
As for the play readings.... well, let's just say that I had this revelation right after the first play: Holy fucking shit! This is a focus group! I shivered inwardly for the rest of the night. I was horribly conflicted: Do I explain to people what I was trying to go for, or do I just listen as they interpret what they think I was going for? Do I risk offending the actors and answer criticism that I feel is based only on the way the play was read? I thought they were particularly harsh with Fortress, but I also feel that this was because most of the second half of the play was very hard to hear. They're cold readings, and I can't expect "acting" really, but then the acting that the audience gets becomes the basis for their criticism, not the text. The actors slow down or stumble, and the criticism I hear is that the play "slowed down and stumbled" in the second half or whatever.
Fucking focus groups.... am I Disney all of a sudden? How do you run focus groups on creative processes? "Make it less angry, but in an angry way, add some sex and make sure there's no sex in it, also could you add a talking squirrel named Jerome?"
No. I can't. There were just so many times where I wanted to say "But that IS the point!"
Teaching is one thing, but trying to make the play conform to what other people think the play should be, just doesn't seem right.
I noticed, when I got home that evening, that I couldn't write. I sat down in front of the computer and tried writing. Plenty of ideas there, but I was hearing all these damn voices in my head, "do it this way, don't do that", so I started mistrusting my own senses, my own creativity, and that's just death.
Ultimately, I started writing a play called "Focus Group", and it's not really kind. I may eventually write it, but for now, it's in the development phase... you know, gotta run it through some focus groups, test market response....
Anyway. I'm bitter. The truth is that it just didn't go like I wanted it to. Cold readings are not fair expressions of a play's merits. I should have known that coming into the situation.
I wondered about that. I know that I tried to focus my comments (whether it worked or not, I don't know) more on how the play could be interpreted by the actor/actress/director--as you said, cold readings aren't really fair--you were only able to contribute words, not your vision of how things should look, feel, be expressed.
Imagine Cabaret, Guys and Dolls, or even Major Barbara with out anyone directing--just a bunch of people reading through. I bet a lot of folks intial reactions would be fairly critical of slowness, lack of timing, or things getting bogged down (heck Major Barbara may even get those comments WITH someone focusing the play).
I still think it was fun to hear them read out loud--I usually read them either at work or late a night, after Die Frau has gone to bed, so standing and reading out loud isn't really an option for me.
None the less, I'd hope you got SOMETHING out of the event--even if it is just a not very kind play called "Focus Group." I look forward to reading that one. Remember--I was the guy with the blue hat.
Yeah, I got some stuff out of it. I mean I know that people are going to have different opinions about how I write. For example, as this woman I know frequently reminds me, my frequent use of obscenities can really be jarring to some people. To me, swearing is natural, especially in some of the situations in which I place my characters. Sometimes, I use it to deliberately jar the reader, or spin the context of the story, as I do when the pioneer woman drops the F-bomb all over "It's Time To Eat Kids". Some people will never really be able to appreciate that; probably because they are fuckers. So, I heard some of that criticism at the reading. Fine.
I know the plays I write are far from perfect. What I'm trying to do with these plays is make myself write everyday, just for the discipline of it, and also to free myself of the fear of failure which, for my whole life, has made it nearly impossible to write. I mean, I've written stuff before "A Play A Day", but very little and very rarely to completion.
I wanted to actually start creating, because it's a part of me that I've been terrified of for too long. So, I started this project. I'm trying to avoid my tendency to resort to perfectionism, which is the classic symptom of the fear of failure. I tell myself to "just write it"! I try to make them as good as I can in the time I devote to each, but I also work very hard to avoid "perfecting" them because you never can perfect them, and it actually stops me from writing.
I guess what I'm saying is that, in order for me to write, I have to be able to say "Fuck critics" and write for myself.
If I hadn't started to do that, I would still be another writer with slips of papers filled with ideas, going nowhere.
Could these plays be better? Sure. Then I would never be able to write another one.
Besides, I like each of these plays for one reason or another, if I didn't I wouldn't post them.
Now, back to writing.
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