June 7, 2006

A Play A Day #55

Fundamentalist


Cast:
Matt
Lisa

Setting: Blank stage.


Lisa: (enter SR) Hey, Matt! How ya doing?

Matt: (DC) Fine, fine, Lisa. How're you?

L: Fine, fine. Nice to see you.

M: Yes. Same here.

(pause)

L: So, you going to the concert?

M: What concert?

L: Deadeyes.

M: Deadeyes?

L: Yeah, next Friday at the Coliseum.

M: You're going?

L: Oh yeah! Definitely! Already got my tickets.

M: Really? You're going to that show?

L: It's gonna be great!

M: Huh... I thought you were smarter than that.

L: What?

M: Going to a Deadeyes' show?

L: So.

M: So?

L: Yeah, so?

M: Alright.

L: Alright?

M: Yeah. Fine.

L: What?

M: No. Go. Go.

L: I am; already said that.

M: Yeah! Great! Good for you!

L: Alright, what's up, Matt?

M: Nothing. You should go.

L: O.K. What's wrong?

M: No. Enjoy the show.

L: I'm sure I will.

M: Sure. You'll learn plenty too, I'm sure.

L: I don't go to rock concerts to learn a whole lot.

M: Course not.

L: So what'd you mean by that?

M: Nothing much.

L: Alright, cut the bullshit, Matt.

M: What?

L: Just cut it! Now!

M: I'm just hoping that you don't get hurt.

L: At the concert?

M: Yes, the concert.

L: Why would I get hurt?

M: It's a Deadeyes' show right?

L: Yes. But...

M: Haven't you heard?

L: What?

M: You haven't.

L: Heard what?

M: Ummm... Lisa... they sacrifice virgins at their shows.

L: What!!?

M: Sometimes as many as twenty virgins in one night.

L: Wha....

M: That's true!

L: No, it isn't!!

M: That's not all, you know!

L: What are...

M: They also, castrate some males from the audience...

L: What the hell?!

M: Then they cook the... ummm... castrated parts... in a big fire pit on stage!

L: How... do you even realize how...

M: Then they give children instructions on killing their parents!

L: Knock it off!

M: Kids who bring one of their parent's hands get a Deadeyes' t-shirt for free!

L: Listen, Matt, I don't know where...

M: They worship Satan, Lisa!

L: Matt!

M: They do! I know all about it!

L: Where have you been hearing this garbage?

M: It's all in this pamphlet I got at Church! (holds it up)

L: Have you been going to that little aluminum church behind the mini-mall?

M: It's called First Jesus Church of The Perfect Human.

L: That's a cult, Matt!

M: No it's not! It's an open and affirming Church of Jesus!

L: If it's so open and affirming, why doesn't it have windows?

M: Just because the congregation doesn't have a lot of money yet.

L: If it doesn't have a lot of money yet, why are there four armed guards patrolling the grounds all day, every day?

M: Protection, of course!

L: Really? From what?

M: From Satan and His Followers here on Earth!

L: So, if I got too close, they'd shoot me?

M: If they knew you listened to Deadeyes, they would!

L: Oh, how very Jesus of them!

M: Don't mock Jesus!

L: Why not? I'm a Deadeyes' fan right? I have to mock Jesus!

M: The Church will get you for that!

L: Ohh, really?! Gee, can I join your church, Matt?

M: We don't take people like you!

L: Very open and affirming.

M: You would contaminate the church.

L: So? Pray the dirt away!

M: No, we would need to do something stronger to get rid of Satan!

L: Like what?

M: Probably, for someone as tainted as you, we'd have to sacrifice at least three virgins.

L: What?

M: Some of the men may have to give up their testicles to help with the final steps of the purification ritual.

L: What?!

M: Of course, we would detain you in the holding cages for a long while.

L: What?

M: The male leaders of the Church would have to impregnate you to help fight Satan.

L: Matt!?

M: Then your baby would be killed while you were giving birth to help preserve the sanctity of life.

L: Matt, what are...

M: To prevent it from being contaminated.

L: You're fucking crazy!

M: You would be gutted and then cooked for a final purification dinner.

L: Matt. I'm going to call the police about this!

M: Go ahead! Then I'll tell them about Deadeyes!

L: You don't know anything about Deadeyes!

M: Do too, remember? (brandishes his pamphlet again)

L: That's all lies!!

M: No, it's true!

L: Horrible, horrible lies, Matt!

M: I have faith in my Church!

L: Listen... alright... first of all, Matt. The fire pit is in front of the stage, not on the stage as your stupid pamphlet claims!

M: Whatever!

L: And, the most virgins they've ever sacrificed in one night was fourteen! Twenty?! That's just bullshit!

M: I stand by my Church!

L: And everyone knows you get a free t-shirt if you bring in one of your parent's eyes, not hands, Matt! Not hands!

M: You have been consumed by Satan!

L: No, I haven't; not even close.

M: Yes, completely!

L: And what about you, Matt?

M: I am doing the Lord's work. Ridding the world of Satan!

L: I get it... I get it, now!

M: You get nothing!

L: You hate Deadeyes because they're direct competition for you church!

M: That's not true!

L: Yeah, only so many virgins to go around, right?

M: You do not know the powers with which you toy!

L: Yeah, neither do you.

M: I'll pray for the termination of your soul!

L: Sounds good! It's too heavy anyway.

M: Only death can redeem your soul!

L: Yep. Already has.

M: Foul demon!

L: Nice.

M: Out!!

L: (starts walking off, turns back) Say, Matt, I've got an extra ticket. Sure you won't come?

M: Sorry. Big execution at Church that night.

L: O.K. Maybe next time.

M: Yeah, alright. (walks off opposite direction)

(lights out, as very loud death metal music rises, it's Deadeyes' new single: "An Eye for Tee"!)

(end)

1 comment:

Lobachevsky said...

I think I actually grew up in Matt's church. The whole sacrificing people/eating babies etc. was good life experience for me at such a young age. This is why I'm so well adjusted now.