Setting: Blank stage.
Lisa: (enter SR) Hey, Matt! How ya doing?
Matt: (DC) Fine, fine, Lisa. How're you?
L: Fine, fine. Nice to see you.
M: Yes. Same here.
L: So, you going to the concert?
M: What concert?
L: Yeah, next Friday at the Coliseum.
M: You're going?
L: Oh yeah! Definitely! Already got my tickets.
M: Really? You're going to that show?
L: It's gonna be great!
M: Huh... I thought you were smarter than that.
M: Going to a Deadeyes' show?
L: Yeah, so?
M: Yeah. Fine.
M: No. Go. Go.
L: I am; already said that.
M: Yeah! Great! Good for you!
L: Alright, what's up, Matt?
M: Nothing. You should go.
L: O.K. What's wrong?
M: No. Enjoy the show.
L: I'm sure I will.
M: Sure. You'll learn plenty too, I'm sure.
L: I don't go to rock concerts to learn a whole lot.
M: Course not.
L: So what'd you mean by that?
M: Nothing much.
L: Alright, cut the bullshit, Matt.
L: Just cut it! Now!
M: I'm just hoping that you don't get hurt.
L: At the concert?
M: Yes, the concert.
L: Why would I get hurt?
M: It's a Deadeyes' show right?
L: Yes. But...
M: Haven't you heard?
M: You haven't.
L: Heard what?
M: Ummm... Lisa... they sacrifice virgins at their shows.
M: Sometimes as many as twenty virgins in one night.
M: That's true!
L: No, it isn't!!
M: That's not all, you know!
L: What are...
M: They also, castrate some males from the audience...
L: What the hell?!
M: Then they cook the... ummm... castrated parts... in a big fire pit on stage!
L: How... do you even realize how...
M: Then they give children instructions on killing their parents!
L: Knock it off!
M: Kids who bring one of their parent's hands get a Deadeyes' t-shirt for free!
L: Listen, Matt, I don't know where...
M: They worship Satan, Lisa!
M: They do! I know all about it!
L: Where have you been hearing this garbage?
M: It's all in this pamphlet I got at Church! (holds it up)
L: Have you been going to that little aluminum church behind the mini-mall?
M: It's called First Jesus Church of The Perfect Human.
L: That's a cult, Matt!
M: No it's not! It's an open and affirming Church of Jesus!
L: If it's so open and affirming, why doesn't it have windows?
M: Just because the congregation doesn't have a lot of money yet.
L: If it doesn't have a lot of money yet, why are there four armed guards patrolling the grounds all day, every day?
M: Protection, of course!
L: Really? From what?
M: From Satan and His Followers here on Earth!
L: So, if I got too close, they'd shoot me?
M: If they knew you listened to Deadeyes, they would!
L: Oh, how very Jesus of them!
M: Don't mock Jesus!
L: Why not? I'm a Deadeyes' fan right? I have to mock Jesus!
M: The Church will get you for that!
L: Ohh, really?! Gee, can I join your church, Matt?
M: We don't take people like you!
L: Very open and affirming.
M: You would contaminate the church.
L: So? Pray the dirt away!
M: No, we would need to do something stronger to get rid of Satan!
L: Like what?
M: Probably, for someone as tainted as you, we'd have to sacrifice at least three virgins.
M: Some of the men may have to give up their testicles to help with the final steps of the purification ritual.
M: Of course, we would detain you in the holding cages for a long while.
M: The male leaders of the Church would have to impregnate you to help fight Satan.
M: Then your baby would be killed while you were giving birth to help preserve the sanctity of life.
L: Matt, what are...
M: To prevent it from being contaminated.
L: You're fucking crazy!
M: You would be gutted and then cooked for a final purification dinner.
L: Matt. I'm going to call the police about this!
M: Go ahead! Then I'll tell them about Deadeyes!
L: You don't know anything about Deadeyes!
M: Do too, remember? (brandishes his pamphlet again)
L: That's all lies!!
M: No, it's true!
L: Horrible, horrible lies, Matt!
M: I have faith in my Church!
L: Listen... alright... first of all, Matt. The fire pit is in front of the stage, not on the stage as your stupid pamphlet claims!
L: And, the most virgins they've ever sacrificed in one night was fourteen! Twenty?! That's just bullshit!
M: I stand by my Church!
L: And everyone knows you get a free t-shirt if you bring in one of your parent's eyes, not hands, Matt! Not hands!
M: You have been consumed by Satan!
L: No, I haven't; not even close.
M: Yes, completely!
L: And what about you, Matt?
M: I am doing the Lord's work. Ridding the world of Satan!
L: I get it... I get it, now!
M: You get nothing!
L: You hate Deadeyes because they're direct competition for you church!
M: That's not true!
L: Yeah, only so many virgins to go around, right?
M: You do not know the powers with which you toy!
L: Yeah, neither do you.
M: I'll pray for the termination of your soul!
L: Sounds good! It's too heavy anyway.
M: Only death can redeem your soul!
L: Yep. Already has.
M: Foul demon!
L: (starts walking off, turns back) Say, Matt, I've got an extra ticket. Sure you won't come?
M: Sorry. Big execution at Church that night.
L: O.K. Maybe next time.
M: Yeah, alright. (walks off opposite direction)
(lights out, as very loud death metal music rises, it's Deadeyes' new single: "An Eye for Tee"!)