Great or Stay
Setting: Blank stage. Enter Mac and Duke from opposite ends of stage.
Mac: Hey, Duke.
M: What're you up to.
D: Heading to the job site, gotta finish the foundation today.
M: Might rain.
M: Ed working with you on that job?
M: What do ya think of him?
D: Ed? Good guy. Tough bastard.
M: Yeah, looks like it.
D: His arms ain't that big, but I saw the guy pick up three bags of dry mix the other day.
M: Shit, that's like 240 pounds!
D: Carried 'em about 50 feet too, dropped them on top of a flat bed, like shoulder height.
M: No kidding, man!
D: Yeah, surprised me. He takes off his shirt, and he's got this chest looks like a fuckin' gorrilla.
M: Yeah, all hairy?
D: No, almost no hair, just these King Kong pecs, ya know.
M: Weird, doesn't really match his arms.
D: Well, his arms ain't small, but not King Kong big.
M: Pretty impressive.
D: No shit. Wish I could do that!
M: Do what?
D: Carry three bags of mix at once.
M: Oh, I thought you meant you wished you could have anal sex with Ed.
D: What?!! What the fu...
M: Yeah, just thought that's what you meant.
D: Why the fuck would I mean that!?
M: What do you think of him?
D: Ed?! I told ya, good guy; strong as hell.
M: And you don't want to have intercourse with him, either anally or orally?
D: What's wrong with you, man?
M: Maybe a handjob?
D: Shit, Mac! No!!
M: Hey, just wondering.
D: What the hell? What's your deal?!
M: Well, I read this article in a magazine that my wife gets...
D: You reading women's magazines? That explains a lot. Those things are shit, man.
M: Yeah, mostly, but this one thing caught my eye. The article was called "Straight or Gay", like a question...
D: Yeah, so?
M: Well, I read it, and it said that very few people are straight and very few people are gay...
D: Bullshit. That's just stupid! I'm straight, you're straight, my wife's straight; I know hundreds of straight people...
M: No, I didn't say it right. It said almost everyone in the world, even the straightest straight guy you know, is probably a little bit gay, and the gayest gay guy you know is probably a little bit straight. Like everyone is sorta "stray".
M: Yeah, I just made that part up... you know, straight and gay together, stray?
D: Yeah, I'm not stupid.
M: No, no, I know...
D: And you just believe it, because some dumbass women's magazine article said it?
D: Women's magazines always have crap like that, trying to say there's no black and white, ya know.
M: Yeah, they said there's no real straight or gay.
D: And you believe it! Shit, that's what those magazines tell women all the time: (in a mocking feminine voice) "Everything is gray; it depends on what you feel!"
M: Yeah, I guess that's what it was saying; said it was based on a lot of research, though.
D: Whatever, they always say that.
M: So you don't believe it?
M: Like not at all?
D: No, man! Listen, I'm one percent straight! Always have been; always will be.
M: What did you say?
D: I'm one hundred... shit, one hundred and ten percent straight, if I could be!
M: That's not what you said...
D: If I could fuck two women at once, I'd do it....
M: Sure, Duke, but that's not what you said.
M: You said that you were "ONE percent straight".
D: No I didn't! One hundred percent is what I said.
M: No, you said just one percent.
D: Fuck that; I did not. Why would I say that?!
M: I don't know, Duke, you tell me.
D: I told you; I'm one hundred percent straight... that's it!
M: Alright fine. So you don't think you might be gay?
D: I'm not gay!!!
M: No, I meant like partially-gay. This article said a lot of guys are 70-90 percent straight...
D: Shut up about the damn article, Mac. I'm fully straight!
M: Sure, but like, not even a little bit gay?
D: Are you fuckin' deaf?! NO!
M: It said that a lot of straight guys, heteros, you know what I mean?
D: Yeah, I know what a heterosexual is, Mac. Jesus.
M: Good, that a lot of hetero guys have ocassional fantasies about having sex with other guys.
D: That ain't me, though.
M: It said that even if you don't act on the fantasy, it indicates that you probably have some homosexual tendencies.
D: That's stupid as hell, Mac; what if I have fantasies about raping women? Does that make me a rapist?
M: No, just that you have rapist tendencies, I guess.
D: I don't have rapist tendencies!
M: So you fantasize about raping women?
D: No!! What... ahhh... no, that's not...
M: Sounds to me like that's what you're saying.
D: Listen, I'm not sayng anything like that!
M: Yeah... ummm, you played football and hockey in highschool, right.
D: Yeah, so?
M: It said that a lot of straight guys participate in sports for the sexual thrill of being in large groups of guys, getting touched roughly, having group showers...
D: Or just for playing sports because they like sports!
M: Football players are always slapping each other's asses though, right?
D: Ahhhh, that's just tradition, man. You're reading way too much into things.
M: No, the article mentioned the butt-slapping specifically. Guys get to touch other guys' butts, and society doesn't blink, but if a guy on the job site slapped you on the ass today; you'd probably punch him, wouldn't you?
D: So?! It's just all about where it happens; what's the big deal about that?
M: Nothing, it said that guys go to sports so they can indulge in small homosexual behaviors without having to confront the issue of their homosexual tendencies.
D: It's all bullshit!
M: So you never just wanted to let your hand stay on your teammate's butt for a couple seconds?
D: No; you just slap it; you know. It means "Go get'em."
M: Go get'em, Tiger?
D: No, Mac.
M: Just checking. So, just a slap is fine?
D: Yes, a quick slap, that's all it is.
M: How quick, like a second?
D: No! Like a tenth of a second. Wham! Instantaneous, like a spanking!
M: Ooohh... kinda kinky.
D: Fuck you; that's not what I meant.
M: Fine, so what if it's a whole second?
D: No. Then you'd have to wonder about that guy.
M: So, one-tenth of a second is one-hundred percent straight, traditional?
D: Yeah, sure, fine.
M: And one second is completely gay?
D: Maybe, I don't know, sure.
M: So, that's the scale, then. So, if your hand stays for two-tenths of a second, then you must be about 10 percent gay, right.
D: No, it'd just be weird if it wasn't a fast slap.
M: Ever happen to you?
D: Yeah, sometimes a guy's hand might stay a little longer than you'd expect. No big deal.
M: So then you'd think that that guy might be gay, right?
D: No, you don't think about it, really, just get out there and play.
M: Would it give you an erection?
M: You'd still shower with the guy?
D: Yes. We all showered together; we were a team.
M: Did that ever give you an erection?
D: No! Listen, Mac...
M: Sorry, I know you're one hundred percent straight...
D: Yes! Now just...
M: Never thought of another guy, a teammate or a guy like Ed and his rippling gorilla chest and touched yourself?
D: Just shut it...
M: You do a nice job with a woman's voice though.
D: What? Ohhh, that. Just making a point, man!
M: Never wanted to wear women's underwear?
D: Knock it off!
M: Watch a gay porno?
D: I'm sick of this...
M: Rub against a hot guy on the bus?
D: I don't ride the bus!
M: On the street then?
D: Not what I meant!
M: Help Ed take his shirt off?
M: Get a massage from another guy?
D: I'm gonna deck you, you...
M: Shower with the old team one last time?
D: ...frickin' bastard!!
M: Hold the stick shift in a muscle car a little longer than you need to?
D: Fuck you, man!!
M: Put on a jockstrap and a suitcoat and serve drinks at a Republican fundraiser?
D: (punches Mac in the gut, storms off stage) Fucking asshole!
M: (struggling to his feet, catching his breath, staggering slowly after Duke) You know I was asking all those questions for Ed! He wants to join our massage circle next week! Shit! Ohh... man... you hit me hard this time!