June 17, 2006

A Play A Day #65

Great or Stay


Setting: Blank stage. Enter Mac and Duke from opposite ends of stage.

Mac: Hey, Duke.

Duke: Mac.

M: What're you up to.

D: Heading to the job site, gotta finish the foundation today.

M: Might rain.

D: Yep.

M: Ed working with you on that job?

D: Yep.

M: What do ya think of him?

D: Ed? Good guy. Tough bastard.

M: Yeah, looks like it.

D: His arms ain't that big, but I saw the guy pick up three bags of dry mix the other day.

M: Shit, that's like 240 pounds!

D: Carried 'em about 50 feet too, dropped them on top of a flat bed, like shoulder height.

M: No kidding, man!

D: Yeah, surprised me. He takes off his shirt, and he's got this chest looks like a fuckin' gorrilla.

M: Yeah, all hairy?

D: No, almost no hair, just these King Kong pecs, ya know.

M: Weird, doesn't really match his arms.

D: Well, his arms ain't small, but not King Kong big.

M: Pretty impressive.

D: No shit. Wish I could do that!

M: Do what?

D: Carry three bags of mix at once.

M: Oh, I thought you meant you wished you could have anal sex with Ed.

D: What?!! What the fu...

M: Yeah, just thought that's what you meant.

D: Why the fuck would I mean that!?

M: What do you think of him?

D: Ed?! I told ya, good guy; strong as hell.

M: And you don't want to have intercourse with him, either anally or orally?

D: What's wrong with you, man?

M: Maybe a handjob?

D: Shit, Mac! No!!

M: Hey, just wondering.

D: What the hell? What's your deal?!

M: Well, I read this article in a magazine that my wife gets...

D: You reading women's magazines? That explains a lot. Those things are shit, man.

M: Yeah, mostly, but this one thing caught my eye. The article was called "Straight or Gay", like a question...

D: Yeah, so?

M: Well, I read it, and it said that very few people are straight and very few people are gay...

D: Bullshit. That's just stupid! I'm straight, you're straight, my wife's straight; I know hundreds of straight people...

M: No, I didn't say it right. It said almost everyone in the world, even the straightest straight guy you know, is probably a little bit gay, and the gayest gay guy you know is probably a little bit straight. Like everyone is sorta "stray".

D: Stray?

M: Yeah, I just made that part up... you know, straight and gay together, stray?

D: Yeah, I'm not stupid.

M: No, no, I know...

D: And you just believe it, because some dumbass women's magazine article said it?

M: Well...

D: Women's magazines always have crap like that, trying to say there's no black and white, ya know.

M: Yeah, they said there's no real straight or gay.

D: And you believe it! Shit, that's what those magazines tell women all the time: (in a mocking feminine voice) "Everything is gray; it depends on what you feel!"

M: Yeah, I guess that's what it was saying; said it was based on a lot of research, though.

D: Whatever, they always say that.

M: So you don't believe it?

D: Nope.

M: Like not at all?

D: No, man! Listen, I'm one percent straight! Always have been; always will be.

M: What did you say?

D: I'm one hundred... shit, one hundred and ten percent straight, if I could be!

M: That's not what you said...

D: If I could fuck two women at once, I'd do it....

M: Sure, Duke, but that's not what you said.

D: What?

M: You said that you were "ONE percent straight".

D: No I didn't! One hundred percent is what I said.

M: No, you said just one percent.

D: Fuck that; I did not. Why would I say that?!

M: I don't know, Duke, you tell me.

D: I told you; I'm one hundred percent straight... that's it!

M: Alright fine. So you don't think you might be gay?

D: I'm not gay!!!

M: No, I meant like partially-gay. This article said a lot of guys are 70-90 percent straight...

D: Shut up about the damn article, Mac. I'm fully straight!

M: Sure, but like, not even a little bit gay?

D: Are you fuckin' deaf?! NO!

M: It said that a lot of straight guys, heteros, you know what I mean?

D: Yeah, I know what a heterosexual is, Mac. Jesus.

M: Good, that a lot of hetero guys have ocassional fantasies about having sex with other guys.

D: That ain't me, though.

M: It said that even if you don't act on the fantasy, it indicates that you probably have some homosexual tendencies.

D: That's stupid as hell, Mac; what if I have fantasies about raping women? Does that make me a rapist?

M: No, just that you have rapist tendencies, I guess.

D: I don't have rapist tendencies!

M: So you fantasize about raping women?

D: No!! What... ahhh... no, that's not...

M: Sounds to me like that's what you're saying.

D: Listen, I'm not sayng anything like that!

M: Yeah... ummm, you played football and hockey in highschool, right.

D: Yeah, so?

M: It said that a lot of straight guys participate in sports for the sexual thrill of being in large groups of guys, getting touched roughly, having group showers...

D: Or just for playing sports because they like sports!

M: Football players are always slapping each other's asses though, right?

D: Ahhhh, that's just tradition, man. You're reading way too much into things.

M: No, the article mentioned the butt-slapping specifically. Guys get to touch other guys' butts, and society doesn't blink, but if a guy on the job site slapped you on the ass today; you'd probably punch him, wouldn't you?

D: So?! It's just all about where it happens; what's the big deal about that?

M: Nothing, it said that guys go to sports so they can indulge in small homosexual behaviors without having to confront the issue of their homosexual tendencies.

D: It's all bullshit!

M: So you never just wanted to let your hand stay on your teammate's butt for a couple seconds?

D: No; you just slap it; you know. It means "Go get'em."

M: "Tiger"?

D: Tiger?

M: Go get'em, Tiger?

D: No, Mac.

M: Just checking. So, just a slap is fine?

D: Yes, a quick slap, that's all it is.

M: How quick, like a second?

D: No! Like a tenth of a second. Wham! Instantaneous, like a spanking!

M: Ooohh... kinda kinky.

D: Fuck you; that's not what I meant.

M: Fine, so what if it's a whole second?

D: No. Then you'd have to wonder about that guy.

M: So, one-tenth of a second is one-hundred percent straight, traditional?

D: Yeah, sure, fine.

M: And one second is completely gay?

D: Maybe, I don't know, sure.

M: So, that's the scale, then. So, if your hand stays for two-tenths of a second, then you must be about 10 percent gay, right.

D: No, it'd just be weird if it wasn't a fast slap.

M: Ever happen to you?

D: Yeah, sometimes a guy's hand might stay a little longer than you'd expect. No big deal.

M: So then you'd think that that guy might be gay, right?

D: No, you don't think about it, really, just get out there and play.

M: Would it give you an erection?

D: NO!!

M: You'd still shower with the guy?

D: Yes. We all showered together; we were a team.

M: Did that ever give you an erection?

D: No! Listen, Mac...

M: Sorry, I know you're one hundred percent straight...

D: Yes! Now just...

M: Never thought of another guy, a teammate or a guy like Ed and his rippling gorilla chest and touched yourself?

D: Just shut it...

M: You do a nice job with a woman's voice though.

D: What? Ohhh, that. Just making a point, man!

M: Never wanted to wear women's underwear?

D: Knock it off!

M: Watch a gay porno?

D: I'm sick of this...

M: Rub against a hot guy on the bus?

D: I don't ride the bus!

M: On the street then?

D: Not what I meant!

M: Help Ed take his shirt off?

D: Mac!

M: Get a massage from another guy?

D: I'm gonna deck you, you...

M: Shower with the old team one last time?

D: ...frickin' bastard!!

M: Hold the stick shift in a muscle car a little longer than you need to?

D: Fuck you, man!!

M: Put on a jockstrap and a suitcoat and serve drinks at a Republican fundraiser?

D: (punches Mac in the gut, storms off stage) Fucking asshole!

M: (struggling to his feet, catching his breath, staggering slowly after Duke) You know I was asking all those questions for Ed! He wants to join our massage circle next week! Shit! Ohh... man... you hit me hard this time!

(lights out)


1 comment:

Bleeet said...

Well, that was fun, This has to be one of the most enjoyable lines I've written in a while:

"Put on a jockstrap and a suitcoat and serve drinks at a Republican fundraiser?"

Don't even know why it has to be a Republican fundraiser... why not herpetologist convention?

Methodist potluck supper?

Computer Hardware Expo?