March 11, 2010

Some Metaphors for Love That Didn't Make the Cut and the Reasons for Their Exclusion

Here's the original list: Brendon Writes New Metaphors for Love

And here are those metaphors that were left off the original list for the reasons specified in parentheses.

1) Love is the ultimate four-letter word.
(The exact number of letters in "love" are still being counted by professional lingual accountants.)

2) Love is a stranger with candy.

(It could also be a stranger with broccoli or a trumpet. You never know unless you ask every stranger personally.)

3) Love is a snorkel breaking the surface for the breath of life.

(Too heavy-handed. Also "snorkel" is a word that cannot ever be taken seriously in this context. Snorkel, snorkel, snorkel!)

4) Love is a raindrop on the tip of your nose that tickles and taunts until you tongue it to your mouth, and it tastes like sweat, not rain, and you realize that you are inside, at the dance, next to your first date, and you probably smell horribly, plus he or she has now seen you lick some of your excessive and foul sweat from your own nose.

(Let's just say this was excluded for very good reasons.)

5) Love is a thought about a feeling about your behavior thinking that it might mean you're acting like you feel like you're in love.

(I'm not sure this is a metaphor. I'm not sure what the hell this is at all.)

Love is a mighty train that you never see coming even though you are standing right in the center of the tracks, and it's perfectly flat all the way to the horizon, and the engineer is blowing the horn non-stop, and I know you have very good hearing, and the damn thing is moving, like, maybe, what? Ten miles per hour? But do you move? Noooo! You just fucking stand there, because you're a huge fucking moron, and... move! MOOOOOVVVE! You stupid fuck! WHAT is wrong with you?! Fine! Fine! FINE! I hope you are fucking crushed by the train of love! See what I care! I hate you so much!
(That one just got too personal. Huge train wreck.)

7) Love is the explosion within that doesn't make you run for the toilet or splatter viscera everywhere.
(Probably not safe for children.)

8) Love is a grape.
(My psychologist tells me I need to stop personalizing my passion for grapes. I love grapes, but grapes do not love me back. Nor are grapes love themselves. This is a difficult task for me given that I never go anywhere without a bunch of ripe, succulent grapes in my underwear. Out of respect for my therapist, however, I left it off the original list.)

9) Love is kind of, well, sort of, you know, ummm, that one time, remember?

(That so very completely was not love.)

Love is a footprint on your heart left by the barest tread of an angel.
(Fucking nauseating.)

11) Love is steam.
(That's what I thought, and now I'm writing this from the burn ward. Stupid steam. Looked like love.)

12) Love is patient and kind unless it's TIME TO GO, and I told you that a half-hour ago, and I'M WAITING, and WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING NOW, and I bet you'd be one of those idiots who would just stand there on the tracks and do nothing while a train came right towards you!
(Much too honest, not oblique enough in its message.)

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