If there is one topic that no one, and I mean no one, writes about, it's love.
How do we learn about this powerful emotion if it has been banished from our literature, our glossy magazines, our televisions, our narcotics packaging? I am here to break through this taboo.
America, we must talk about love!
I will start the conversation with some helpful ideas about what love is. Since it is, in at least ninety percent of all situations, an intangible phenomenon, I will write of it metaphorically - relating love to some other concept, idea, object or fluid that the reader may find more easily understandable.
Let's start, shall we?
1) Love is like a metaphor that is a simile.
2) Love is a beautiful creature that walks right into your heart and sits there, occasionally farting.
3) Love is a stupid tree, like the stupidest tree you can think of, and then one that's somehow stupider than that stupidest tree, that's what love is.
4) Love is an uninvited guest who stays at the party too late not having even brought a bag of chips or anything.
5) Love is an audacious 'postrophe.
6) Love is the lackluster serial killer of rationality.
7) Love is a fire, burning deeply and forever inside you, no matter how much whiskey you pour down your throat to extinguish it.
8) Love is an itch that you just gotta scratch, eventually leading to an infection which will probably require emergency medical services which are prohibitively expensive for most people.
9) Love is a banjo or an oboe or a mouth harp or a theremin or a tuba but never all five at the same time.
10) Love is the last word of the last page of your favorite book, especially if the last word on the last page of your favorite book is "love."
11) Love is a two-dimensional heart shape that doesn't really look like the real human heart which I don't think looks so much like love as it does a softball in cherry Jell-O.
12) Love is bacon unless you're a pig, then it's a lot of bacon all at once.
13) Love is an alien being that the government will try to cover up.
14) Love is the disgusted fascination of popping a zit.
15) Love is a close call in a game that you argue about with the officials until you get your way, and it causes you to win the game, but then you realize that, even if you were right all along, you would have been better off losing the game anyway.
16) Love is the lonely sea, but not the gross, polluted parts of the lonely sea - the nice parts.
17) Love is a flower, and don't even try to pretend it isn't, you cynics.
18) Love is a theoretical subatomic particle encircling the human heart, and the only way to prove it will be to stick two lovers in the Large Hadron Collider and smash them directly into each other at nearly the speed of light in temperatures approaching absolute zero.
19) Love is a zombie who can juggle.
20) Love is not only like a red, red rose; it may actually be the red, red rose, though many argue that a red, red rose is only a very red flower.
21) Love is the why, but not the how, the which, the where, or the who. It is also 35% of the what and a smidgen of the therefore, but it is all of the why.
22) Love is a bank robbery from which the cops chase you, and then they catch you, and they smack you around for a while, and then you say, "Wait! That wasn't a bank robbery! That was love!" And then they let you go; because it was love, and they can't charge you with that.
23) Love is a gun especially if you're into the kind of love where someone might get shot at any moment.
24) Love is a circle with an infinite radius and a diameter almost twice as long as that.
25) Love is the word which puts it in direct competition with the bird which had been the word for quite a while until love came around and starting clipping its wings.
26) Love is a waterfall which dries up to reveal another waterfall, which also will dry up to reveal another waterfall, which will also eventually dry up to reveal another waterfall, which will run dry as well, and behind that, there'll be a few more waterfalls, but when the fifteenth or so love waterfall dries up, you'll see a cave. Go to it. Careful! The rocks are still wet. The cave is too small to enter, because of the decreasing size of the nested waterfalls, but kneel down. Dig your arm around in the tiny cave. Love is in there somewhere. Keep reaching! Just do it! Watch out for snakes.
27) Love is all the letters of the alphabet, especially "o" and "e" and "v" and another one I can't remember right now.
28) Love is the scent of fresh strawberries on naked people.
29) Love is a syrup that you've never tasted, but that you hear tastes like love syrup which you understand is not as obscene as it sounds.
30) Love is a number I'm thinking of between one and one hundred that rhymes with "nifty tricks," and if you figure it out, don't tell anyone, okay?
31) Love is the trajectory people are always falling in.