No, Monkey! No!
Setting: Bare stage
(Lights up. WOMAN enters, notices brown splotches on the opposite wall of the stage about seven feet off the floor, gets very upset.)
(MONKEY enters, this should be a man with a rudimentary monkey tail pinned to the seat of his pants, otherwise entirely human)
W: (pointing) Look at that!
W: The brown! The splotches!
M: Hey, don't look at me.
W: I'll look at you all I want! No, Monkey! No! You can't do that!
M: What? I...
W: I can't believe you did it again!
M: No, it...
W: I thought we had come to an understanding.
M: I didn't do it!
W: No, Monkey! No! Don't deny it!
W: Don't! You can't do that! You know that!
M: I know, but...
W: What are we going to do about this? I just repainted that wall from the last time.
M: Listen! I didn't do it! I know you don't believe me...
W: Who did then?
M: The cat.
W: We don't have a cat!
M: We had one.
W: Don't bring Kittysaurus into this!
W: Don't you dare!
M: I'm just saying the cat did it.
W: No, she didn't, Monkey! I painted those walls after Kittysaurus died.
W: Besides how could the cat get it seven feet off the ground?
M: It had explosive diarrhea.
W: Oh! Don't give me that!
M: It did!
W: Monkey! Just stop the lies, okay? (pause, she collects herself) You can't throw your shit everywhere. You just can't. We have a toilet. Use it. You were potty-trained at the zoo. You're a big monkey now.
M: You don't need to patronize me.
W: I feel like I have to because you're just not getting it. We've been through this before. I thought you understood.
M: I do. It was the cat.
W: Listen. Even if we still had a cat, and even if it was that cat, and even if that cat - (as a run-on, rapid fire sentence) that we no longer have because it died a horrible, horrible death that I wish you would stop reminding me of because I feel guilty enough about it already - had explosive diarrhea, it would not be seven feet off the ground!
M: (quietly) There's a reason for that.
W: Oh! The truth comes out now?
M: I was holding the cat above my...
W: Kittysaurus is dead, Monkey! Dead! Stop it! I killed her! You know how cruel it is for you to bring this up?
M: Stop blaming yourself! Kittysaurus ate what she wasn't supposed to eat.
W: I know, but...
M: She never should have been on the counter...
W: But, my baking...
M: Is God awful, and I never thought it would kill either, but Kittysaurus was a cat. She was curious. Too, too curious.
W: Her little kitty tummy.
M: Could not stand up to your Chocolate Brownie Surprise.
W: No... but I tried so hard.
M: (hugging Woman close) She never should have been on the counter.
W: You're right.
M: No place for kitties.
W: I'm still trying.
M: And I thought you were making progress.
W: (pulling away) What's that supposed to mean?
M: It's just...
M: I told you... that's not my feces on the wall.
W: Stop lying, Monkey! You know you throw your shit!
M: I admit I am powerless over poo-flinging.
W: Well, big congratulations on completing the first step of your recovery, but you’re obviously off the wagon now!
M: I am not. That is neither my feces, nor did I fling it.
W: Damn it, Monkey! We don't have a cat!
M: Have you even checked?
W: I know we don't have one!
M: Checked the wall, I mean.
M: (very sincere, affectionate) That’s really not my fecal matter.
W: Wait... you mean...
M: The Chocolate Brownie Surprise you made this morning.
W: (who has moved to the wall, sniffed, reached up, scraped some of the brown off the wall, and then tasted it) Ohhh, Monkey.
W: I'm so sorry. This doesn't taste like your poop at all.
M: Apology accepted.
W: (moving to hug Monkey, then stopping) Wait, how did it get on the wall though?
M: I... well...
M: Ummm... you've just been so depressed lately, with Kittysaurus dying, and then her little cremation ceremony...
W: That was as Kittysaurus wished.
M: Yes, we both know that, of course, but it was so hard on you.
W: She was a dear friend.
M: Yes, she was, but that was so long ago, and I thought that... well...
M: We needed to move on.
W: I've been getting better.
M: In my culture... in the Land of the Monkeys... for I am a monkey.
W: Yes, Monkey. I know.
M: In the Land of the Monkeys, we resolve our grief by taking the physical death onto ourselves.
M: Into ourselves, I should say.
W: Okay... (pause) and...
M: I was just so happy that you were going back to your baking.
W: My attempts at baking.
M: So last night, after you picked my nits, and went to bed, I took the adorable urn off the mantle...
W: Kittysaurus's final resting place?!
M: And mixed the ashes in with the sugar.
W: You what?!!
M: In my culture....
W: Fuck your culture! You sick, sick fuck!
M: Hey, I was acting according to my primate programming!
W: So my Chocolate Brownie... (shakes and recoils)
M: ...Surprise! I thought it would end your grief...
W: If I ate Kittysaurus?!
M: Well, her ashes. Was that so wrong?
W: (advancing on Monkey, hitting and crying) You're sick! You can't... I'm going to send you back to...
M: (shielding himself, overlapping her significantly) Wait! Wait! There's more! Wait!
W: What? You bury the goldfish in the butter?
M: (pause, as Monkey considers this) No. I thought you could use a new kitty.
M: So, you know that stray that has been living in the alley?
M: When you went to work, I brought her into the house.
W: I'm not sure I'm ready... wait, where is she?
M: In my room.
W: Let me go see her.
W: I could use a cat to pet right now.
M: Well... it wouldn't be a good idea.
M: This new kitty was also curious.
M: As kitties often are...
M: Too, too curious...
W: No, Monkey...
M: Yes, woman.
W: Don't say it!
M: I must! It is my duty as an honest monkey.
W: Fine! But, quickly.
M: She got on the counter...
W: The Chocolate Brownie...?
M: Kittysaurus Surprise, yes.
M: She seemed fine at first...
W: No! No!
M: Just a few bites I think, but...
W: No! Monkey, no!
M: She started mewling and retching...
W: Ohh no, Monkey! No!
M: I remembered that Kittysaurus couldn't get the sticky goop out of her little tummy...
W: Ohhh... Monkey...
M: (miming this as it happened) I picked up the kitty, with my thumbs on her tummy, and I held her above my head...
W: No... No...
M: ...and I tried to shake it out, and I was over by the wall...
M: ...but like I said, explosive diarrhea...
W: Did she make it?
M: Sadly, no.
W: And now?
M: We'll need to replace the ashes that you baked...
W: That seems only right.
W: I'll should build the tiny cremation pyre.
M: I'll get the body.
W: (looking at the splotches) It tasted like chocolate this time.
M: It wasn't in her little tummy for very long, I suppose.
W: Yeah. (long pause, they stare at the splotches) Seen any more cats in the area?
M: Getting pretty thin, but there's always another Kittysaurus, somewhere.
W: (shivering with erotic anticipation, becoming sultry, moving to Monkey) And you're so good at getting...(it should be obvious what she was going to say here)... cats.
M: I have to be; for I am Monkey. My species must prosper!
W: (straddling Monkey's leg, grinding on his thigh, highly aroused) Yes, it must! Fuck the cats! You must fuck the cats!
M: Now, now... we have a job to do.
W: (frustrated, pulling on him) Ohh... come on! The bedroom, Monkey, come on.
M: No. First, we burn the cat. Then, I burn your cat.
M: I am a Monkey of singular honor.
W: (cuddling into his chest) Ahh... I love our life.
M: We've got so much going for us.
W: (change in tone) Can I be Monkey next time?
M: No... I'm Monkey!
W: You've been Monkey for the last five Kittysauri.
M: (taking off his tail, handing it to her) Oh, alright, but then I'm making Angelfood Cake Surprise.
W: (laughs) Oh, that's truly awful!
M: Yes, it is.
W: Hey, we can use the whiskers as candles! It’s your birthday soon.
M: Yeah! (they rub noses and giggle) Lighter fluid's in the garage.
W: Great! Thanks, sweetie.
(parting ways, exiting opposite sides of the stage)
W: Hey, don't forget that cute little cremation shroud I knitted.
M: Of course, of course.
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