What the Driver in Front of Me on Maple Street This Morning Was Doing Besides Driving

Apparently not aware that the street contained more than one lane, the green SUV in front of me drifted sleepily from side to side, from curb to curb. I advanced backwardly and wondered what the hell this woman was doing.

Now, don't fret: I have no bias against female drivers. I have absolutely no intention of stereotyping an entire gender because of the poor driving skills of one. Quite the contrary, study after study has proven that women are remarkably adept drivers considering their tiny, distractable brains. Plus, they're just so cute there, behind the wheel, pretending to drive like real people.

Also, I'm sure this adorable, horrible motorer had more important things on her mind than the lives of others. The details of her own life were obviously too crowded to fit concern for yours inside. She drove erratically, yes, but, let us not begrudge her the freedom to do so lest we fail to realize just how close driving erratically is to driving erotically. Eventually, her happenstance progress may have lead her into that four-wheeled bliss; perhaps right before leading her into that family of four, that fire hydrant or that maple tree.

What was this woman doing besides driving? Apparently anything, like...

1. Sweeping the width of the boulevard, protecting the east and west curbs from terrorist incursion.

2. Trying to improve radio reception by driving in the exact, synchronous form of the waves for her favorite oldies station.

3. Applying lipstick to her retinas.

4. Talking on her cell phone, and her other cell phone, and the cell phone she suspected was under the passenger seat.

5. Check her vehicle's "Swervability" index to see if she might need to get her steering wheel re-randomized.

6. The gear shift.

7. Adjusting her rearview mirror, on a continuous basis, with her ass.

8. Dancing with the birdies! The birdies! Oh look! Over there! More birdies! And on this side too!

9. Avoiding the sun's harmful rays; as she had forgotten to apply sun screen to her vehicle's sensitive skin.

10. Expressing herself automotively.

11. Veering... for love.

12. Mistakenly turning up the poisonous gas release valve rather than the radio volume knob.

13. Succumbing to car-rabies.