August 18, 2006

A Play A Day #127

Tough Guys


Setting: School hallway, a row of chairs outside the principal's office. Office door next to the chairs.

(Pilky enters, he is like a thug. Darrin is already sitting there; Pilky sits next to him. They are in 8th grade.)

Pilky: Hey... (pause) Name's Pilky.

Darrin: Hi.

P: Whadya do?

D: Excuse me?

P: Why ya here?

D: Well, I.... (unsure if he should tell him)

P: Bad shit, right?

D: (picking up a tough attitude, out of nowhere) Uhhh... yeah... yeah... bad (looks around, more quietly) ... shit...

P: Whadya do that for?

D: What?

P: Say "shit" all quiet and shit?

D: Did I... no... I ...

P: 'Fraid the chief dick is gonna snatch ya?

D: Wha... who?

P: Fuckin' rent-a-cop guy?

D: You mean Officer (realizing he is not sounding tough at all, trying to backpedal) ... that Nick guy...?

P: Yeah, course, Nick the Dick. Fuckin' "Officer"?

D: Nah.. I am not... ain't.. afraid of him!

P: Then why'd ya get all sneaky-eyed then?

D: Just... uhhh.... you know, man...

P: No... you're just a sissy boy... I hear your name all the time... announcements...

D: Wha... no... I...

P: Fuck yeah. (mimicing intercom announcement) "Will Darryl Schmidt come to office so he can kiss our asses for a few minutes?"

D: Nuuuhhh-uh... my name's Darrin.

P: Whatever. That's who I meant.

D: No... I'm pretty bad... you know...

P: Fucking straight-A student, even... I know you...

D: I get in trouble all the time...

P: Fuck that... won't even swear in the hallway... look at you... you're a fucking pussy, man... you're in 8th grade...

D: My teacher even... ummm...

P: The system hates you, man... so fuck 'em all... that's what I say...

D: Yeah! Me too.

P: You too what?

D: That's... what I say too.

P: What do you say?

D: (trying to be confident, but dropping his voice lower) Fuck... them all. That's it.

P: Bullshit you do. You couldn't even say that right there... just now...

D: I said it.

P: Fuck you did! Say it again, but this time louder... none of this pussy whisperer shit.

D: O.K. You'll see...

P: I'm looking, but I don't see shit.

D: Fine... Fuck.

P: Not bad. Louder!

D: (looking around as quickly as possible) Fuck!

P: Louder, you wuss!

D: Fuck!!

P: Now do "cocksucker".

D: Uhhh... alright... (pause) Cocksucker.

P: Louder!

D: Cocksucker!

P: Say "Nick the Dick"!

D: Nick the Dick!

P: And "Mutherfucker".

D: Mutherfucker!

P: Good one! Ummm... how about "Fucking cunt"?

D: (getting into it, losing himself in the taboo nature of it all) Fucking cunt!!

P: Again!

D: Fucking Cunt!!!

P: Now... uh... "Asshole licker"...

D: (standing up) Asshole Licker!!!

P: Shit! You like that one! Uhhh... "Bitchass".

D: (really shouting everything now, with more and more joy entering his voice) BITCH ASS!!!

P: Damn! Uhh... "Suck my dick"!

D: (getting up on his chair) SUCK MY DICK!

P: No thanks... say "I'm A Faggot".

D: (On his chair, jumping up and down) I'M A FAGGOT! I'M A FAGGOT!

P: Nice! "Fuck me in the ass".

D: (jumping down, running around, waving his arms and hopping) FUCK ME IN THE ASS! FUCK ME IN THE ASS! FUCK ME IN THE ASS!

(A very stern and proper secretary, at this moment, opens the office door, and stands and stares in shock at what she is hearing, Darrin continues since his back is to the office door)

D: FUCK ME IN THE ASS!! FUCK ME IN THE ASS!! FUCK ME IN THE ASS!! FUCK ME IN THE ASS!! FUCK ME (turns toward door, see secretary, keeps turning and jumping) IN THE ASS!! FUCK me... in... the.... (stops horrified, staring straight ahead, Pilky is all smiles)

Secretary: (pause, lets it all soak in) Well, Mr. Schmidt, it seems you have broken the tie for the 8th Grade Student of the Month award all by yourself. Mr. Pilkowsky? (Pilky perks up) I believe the award goes to you now. Please come in.

(Darrin looks at him in confusion. Pilky slumps down a little bit, gets up, keeping up the bad guy act, as if he's annoyed to be receiving the award, he slinks through the office door)

Secretary: Thank you for making the decision so much easier, Mr. Schmidt. You can wait here while I inform Principal Barrens of your curious form of self-expression. Sit down. (She turns quickly, goes back into office)

(Lights start fading, Darrin sits down directly on the floor, puts head in his hands)

D: (quietly) Shit.

(lights out)


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