The Ballad Of Johnny Eggeater
Setting: Picnic table, outside, a park or similarly picnic-ical type place.
Newscaster Lady: (sitting at a desk, separated by lighting from the remainder of the stage) On the lighter side this evening, we bring you this story about a man with an egg-citing idea, and perhaps a case of severe indigestion! Reporter Guy brings you the story.
Reporter Guy: Thank you, Newscaster Lady! We are here in Brittletown tonight with a man with an egg-citing idea, and perhaps a case of serious indigestion! A Brittletown man, on a bet from friends, has turned his disgusting display of gluttony into a disgusting display of gluttony that raises money for charity! They call him Johnny Eggeater, and you're about to see why. (turning around, indicating large barrel) In this barrel there are approximately... how many, Johnny?
Johnny Eggeater: (eggshells all around him, talking with egg spewing out of his mouth) One thousand five hundred eggs, hard boiled.
RG: Wow! One thousand five hundred hard-boiled eggs, and you plan to do what?
JE: Eat'em all!
RG: That's right folks! Johnny Eggeater will, in one sitting, attempt to eat all 1,500 eggs in that barrel. But there's a catch, right Johnny?
JE: (peeling egg and eating the whole time) No, not really... it started as a bet, my friend, Nick, he says... Johnny... I boiled 1,500 eggs this morning, but then I realized I wasn't hungry....
RG: He boiled 1,500 eggs?
JE: Yeah! Of course... how the hell else do you get 1,500 hard boiled eggs?
JE: So I tell him I'm real hungry for some hard boiled eggs, and he asks if I want 'em all, and I say 'yes'. Then he says I'll never be able to eat 'em all.
JE: I ask him "how much?" Nick says "I'll give you my old snowblower if you eat 'em all in one sitting!" I thought... my snowblower's in the crapper... so I say "you're on!"
RG: But then something else happened, right Johnny?
JE: Yeah, my wife works at this charity and she says I should charge so much for every egg, but people only have to pay if I eat 'em all... Like, she says, "I'll give you a dime for every egg... 150 bucks... I think, not a bad idea... I start asking around, people start offering to pay to see me eat these eggs, some folks just give like a penny for every egg, some give me a whole dollar... one big-spender says he'll give me a hundred bucks for every egg, if I eat all of 'em in one sitting. Then it just started rolling in, we set a date... that would end up being today, you know... and then advertised it as a fundraiser for my wife's charity... then people started calling me and corporations started asking if they could contribute... it was crazy...
RG: What is the value of each of those eggs you're eating now, Johnny?
JE: Each egg is worth 3 and a half million dollars...
RG: (stammers, sputters, nearly faints) What?
JE: Yeah, 3 and a half.
JE: You stupid or something? Yeah, dollars!
JE: YES!! If I eat 'em all, of course.
RG: That's a lot... a lot...
JE: Yeah, uhhh... five and a quarter billion dollars...
RG: And how many have you eaten so far?
JE: I'm not counting... just eating 'til they're gone.
RG: An estimate?
JE: Ummm... 'bout twelve... I'm gettin' pretty damn full...
RG: Ohh... I... I see... What is your wife's charity?
JE: Place called Koats for Kute Kittens...
RG: (taken aback) Ummm... and what does that organization do?
JE: Just what you'd expect... they make tiny coats for orphaned kittens... keep 'em warm in the winter and stuff... They're gonna have plenty of money for new yarn and crochet hooks, if I get through all these!
RG: Uhhh... welll... ummm...
JE: If I get through these eggs, I told my wife they could change the name to Koats, Kaviar and Kadillacs for Kute Kittens...
RG: (forcing a laugh) Welll.... ummm.. Johnny Eggeater, here's to hoping you can make... a kitten's dreams come true... in... you heroic quest. That's the story out here in Brittletown, Newscaster Lady. This is Reporter Guy reporting.
Newscaster Lady: An inspiration to us all, Reporter Guy! Thank you for that amazing story. We'll be back tomorrow, folks... 'til then keep the news new with Channel Twenty-Two! Stay wonderful, my friends!
(vapid, self-important theme music up, lights out)