Saw STOMP! the other day.
I thought: They are loud.
Do they really need that much attention?
It's not bad enough I've got kids clamoring for my attention at home, but then I go out to have grown men and women clamor for my attention on stage?
I thought: Do they know about whispering?
People actually listen to you more intently and intensely if you whisper. In a way, you get more attention by doing less. Maybe someone needs to take the STOMP! kids aside and teach them that valuable life skill.
I can't be bothered with that right now; because, as much as I was annoyed by their toddler pot banging, I realized that American theater patrons might just suck up some other one-word, repetitive detritus since STOMP! has to die eventually, seeing as it's approaching its twentieth birthday.
For what other simplistic stimuli will audiences drool their Pavlovian cash?
There's money to be made. I'll take a few stabs at this.
1. STAB! - Ninety minutes of intricate and choreographed stabbing with almost any implement you can imagine, including a razor-sharp kitchen sink!
2. SPEECH! - Ninety minutes of "actors" reciting "sentences" or "phrases" in a coordinated and intricately-timed sequence to tell a "story" on the stage. They would use a creative array of words to express their ideas. Words like "beneath", "expedite", "louver" and "kitchen sink"!
3. SPIT! - Sponsored by Big League Chew and big league chew, ninety minutes of syncopated and synchronized expectoration into containers mundane and ingenious, even a kitchen sink!
4. SMASH! - Performed in junkyards, offering endless touring possibilities, audiences will thrill to ninety minutes of sanitation workers using heavy equipment to crush, destroy and break just about anything you can think of, possibly even more than one kitchen sink!
5. SHHHH! - Ninety minutes of suspenseful drama plays before you as a cast of librarians, study hall teachers, nuns and funeral directors deliver precisely timed and choreographed hushing noises directed at anything on stage that could make noise. And we've packed the stage with some mischievous decibel deliverers, including a very rambunctious kitchen sink!
6. SUCK! - Ninety minutes of the cast trying to deal rhythmically with just about anything or anyone who sucks, including dull razorblades, Bill O'Reilly, diarrhea, hookers and an inept plumber who can't ever seem to fix that darn ol' kitchen sink!
7. SPEW! - Ninety minutes of horribly nauseous or bulimic cast members vomiting, barfing, blowing chunks or otherwise hurling color-coordinated stomach contents into or onto more devices and implements that you can possibly imagine. Watch as they gorge themselves for the finale and attempt to fill an enormous kitchen sink!
Let me know if you want to go in on funding any of these shows.