You all know the sketch. If you don't, watch.
I now strive to re-imagine that particular bit of comic history in my own way. Four separate posts.
CUSTOMER: Hello. I'd like to register a complaint.
SHOPKEEPER: Yes, sir?
C: This bird that I bought here not half an hour ago is dead.
S: So, does it handle all your documents?
S: Live parrots make horrible staplers.
C: Staplers...? What are you...
S: You need them to be good and stiff for efficient stapling.
C: I don't need a stapler!
S: You don't?
S: Then why did you buy one?
C: I bought a parrot!
S: A dead parrot - Nature's Perfect Stapler.
C: My hamster makes a perfectly serviceable stapler, thank you.
S: Outrageous! A hamster stapler?
C: No, quite alive.
S: Wow! I get some loonies in here, sir, but you walk off with top honors.
C: Do you at least have more staples for my hamster?
S: Certainly. How many do you need?
C: Box of five-hundred should do nicely. Thanks.
S: There you are.
C: Will you take trade-in on the parrot?