Research by my team of me has uncovered shocking new evidence that I am my own worst enemy. I have always been the lead suspect, but new facts have come to light that bolster my case against myself.
The charges I have leveled against myself have now reached actionable status, and I can't just sit back and watch me get away with this any longer.
Acting as my own defense attorney in the proceedings, I will show up to the trial drunk, disinterested and uninformed, frequently falling asleep instead of effectively cross-examining myself.
Doing so, I greatly enhance the likelihood, on two different levels, that I will win a conviction.
Here are some of the new pieces of evidence that I am truly my own worst enemy.
1. I wiretap my phone conversations without my knowledge.
2. Once drank myself under the table.
3. During a five-mile run on June 2, 2008, I tripped even though there was no one around to trip me.
4. I killed a neighbor then framed myself with evidence I planted on myself.
5. Someone put butter in my underwear, even though I know I prefer margarine in my socks.
6. Picked myself out of a line-up of suspects.
7. I lie to myself and then catch myself denying to myself that I lied to myself and then lie to myself about denying it to myself.
8. Missed my birthday by a whole year.
9. Always leaving a horse head on my pillow, and I don't even own that part of a horse anymore.