'Tis true, unbelievers.
I recently shot a no-budget horror film in the northern suburbs of Minneapolis. Just a nice husband and wife into creepy special effects and gore. I thought: "I like killing people..." So, I signed on.
Lo and behold, I ended up here, on the (THEE) Internet Movie Database. Yep that's me alongside Pacino, Garbo, Bardot and Paltrow, and probably a couple other famous people.
On the ol' IMDb.
I say "alongside" (who knew that was a single word - 'alongside') in the same sense that one would say an apple is an orange because they are both things you can eat that are also in the Internet Movie Database.
Plus they're both kind of round. The orange more so. Meaning I'm more like an apple. An apple that is on the Internet Movie Database.
So, explore! You can find out that, apparently, I was in the film with four hot starlets who post tantalizing gothy pictures of themselves on the IMDb. I don't remember there being such vixens present during my scenes, and I certainly don't remember fondling them.
Try to go from my page and see how many links you have to click through to find someone hugely famous!
Fun! Fun! Fun! 85% legal!
Incidentally, now that I'm famous, I insist on being allowed to snort my cocaine off the naked asses of much better looking strippers. I have settled for mediocre naked-stripper-ass cocaine sniffing long enough.
I also insist that the following "accommodations" be made for my grave celebrity.
- No talking anywhere while I'm talking, unless it's specifically written into the script.
- Personal space bubble increased from 2 feet to 10 meters on all sides to reflect need for privacy and more continental sensibilities.
- Flowers are fine. Flowers delivered between the naked breasts of hot, barely-legal starlets are better and immediately exempted from the 10-meter personal space restriction.
- Respect should be paid, at all times, but I will no longer take personal checks for such payment.
- I will be needing my own time zone.
- Potential conversations with me must be first screened in their entirety to check for humor, acumen and obsequiousness.
- In addition to my phone number, I will be unlisting my address and the addresses of people who might already know my address.
- More dancing girls.
But you're down 20% from last week on the star-o-meter. What's up with that?
Is it completely necessary, Rob, for you to dredge up a prominent source of my intense grief?
If it's of any consequence to you, which it should not be, I've called my agent. He's working on the issue with top officials on my PR team.
Does that satisfy?
So when do we get to see a gothy picture of you, my new favorite movie star, on imdb?
As soon as my case of black eyeliner arrives... I'll just take off my shirt, cover my nipples with my hands and lay back on a bed of razor blades and discontent.
Haven't you been doing that?
- Must whisper incessantly in awe when Bleeet walks by. Can actually talk smack about him because that's very L.A.
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