On October 1, 2007, the sad addicts (saddicts?) of Minnesota were kicked to the curb by a ruthless cabal of democratically-elected state "representatives" and "senators" whose new "law" requires that "smokers" not "light" up "inside" a "building". "This" "law" "means" a lot of demeaning "quote" marks can be "put" around "words" referencing the new "statute" to show our distaste "in" "its" purported legitimacy"." ("Quote" marks can help anyone win "a" policy debate, "just" don't "overuse" them. "Okay?")
Fear not, the authoritarian mandate of a select few can do nothing to retract so many of the other freedoms Minnesotans continue to practice with relish.
For those of you lacking in pickled condiments, what follows is a brief list detailing the myriad freedoms you may still exercise indoors.
You can't smoke, but you are still allowed to...
1. Vomit, provided you don't pollute the air with dangerous secondhand regurgitants.
2. Whisper, but not in a way that annoys others.
3. Eat Food. For instance, heat up a nice tobacco tube salad and consume it slowly through a series of steady inhalations. Yummy.
4. Snort Cocaine, crack smokers must take it outside - unless it's New! Improved! Smokeless Crack! (Ad slogan: "Smokeless Crack: Smoke More Crack")
5. Drink Chilled Bull Semen... you know... if, if that's... uhhh... your thing.
7. Have Sex With People, as long as neither one of you is smoking, or on fire, or even hot - in which case you should definitely keep it inside. No one wants to see that shit.
8. Watch Television. Go ahead! Try it! It's amazing! There are little people inside that box! Seriously, it's the total shit!
9. Hang Glide, just not very far.
10. Masturbate. Let's just keep the public sessions to under four per day, alright? I mean it. Let's not attract excessive regulatory attention by self-abusing the privilege. Got it?
11. Kill Pandas With A Fork. It is not expressly forbidden in the new law, but, you know, just because you can, doesn't mean you should. I'm just saying it is, apparently, still legal. Indoors.