New Penalties for Professional Football

Holding. Clipping. Pass interference.

Yawn.

The game needs to be spiced up. I propose drowning it in tasty illegalities; so that American professional football becomes as salacious as a tabloid photograph of cellulite on the hideous be-thonged ass of American celebrity.

Here are my proposed penalties to add to the pantheon of football transgression, complete with suggested consequences.


1. Prancing - 10 yards

2. Unnecessary Flatulence - 5 yards, must carry lit match behind ass for the next play

3. Downfield Knitting - 5 yards, confiscation of needles

4. Excessive Butt Patting - 7 minutes in heaven

5. Attempted Homicide - 15 yards, loss of down

6. Being European - 8 meters, penalty kick (Note: does not apply to the British)

7. Having Female Troubles - confused stares

8. Illegal Fondling - 5 yards, mandatory public apology

9. Steroid Use - knowing snicker, promise to never ever do it again

10. Negative Attitude - 1 yard, reminder that you're only hurting yourself, counseling

11. Embezzlement - 10% of total embezzled or 15 yards, whichever is greater

12. Burrowing - 5 yards, replacement of topsoil and grass, call to animal control office (Note: natural turf only)

13. Promoting Narrow Masculine Social Constructs - sigh, slight shaking of the head

14. Gossiping - 5 minutes on the bench to think about what you've done

15. Dying - 20 yards, loss of life

16. Adultery - Enormous red "A" flashes on the Jumbotron whenever you are on the field

17. Poogling - We don't know what it is, but we'll know it when we see it; penalty to be determined at that time