September 17, 2007

I Lied When I Said I Was Telling the Truth. Here's What I Lied About...

There's something you must know about me: whenever I say I'm telling the truth, I'm lying. Why would I need to state that it was the truth if it already was? The truth will out, and so it needn't be qualified with verbal padding.

Logically, I must be covering the actual truth beneath protestations if I insist that what I'm saying is the actual truth is actually not truthfully so.

The more extreme the assertion of my truthfulness, the more assured you can be that I am truthfully lying.

So, what was I lying about when I told you I was telling you the truth? Do you really want to know? You do? Okay.

Truthfully, I lied to you about the following things, and I'm telling you the truth this time.

Honestly.

I wouldn't lie to you about telling you the truth about the things about which I lied before when I was telling you that I was telling you the truh.


I mean what do you think I am? Dishonest or something?

On with the truth about the lies:


1. It doesn't reach the floor.

2. It was only 57 times, not 64.

3. Only because they don't award a Noble Prize for Fucking Awesomeness... yet.

4. It felt like solid gold at the time.

5. I never stipified exactly how or from what I saved the planet.

6. Eight and a half minutes.

7. I was not born in "the teeth of a merciless gale, amidship a schooner doomed to rest fore'er 'neath the eternal fury of the waves", but rather in the maternity ward of a small rural hospital during a light snowfall.

8. Well, I guess I don't "understand" Foucault, but I still insist that I would have been able to hang with him.

9. It will self-destruct in twelve hours, not eleven, as I previously boasted.

10. Uranium, molybdenum and blueberry, in that order.

11. Looking back on it, perhaps it was only a three-hamster sandwich.

12. Yes, fine, I am afraid of flutes.

4 comments:

Jim H. said...

Brendon:

Jack Parr was a smart-ass of the first order, but a fairly benign one. Mort Sahl was also a smart-ass, but of the "in your face" variety (at least for his time). I believe you have scraps of Parr and Sahl DNA floating around in your synapses.

In case you're wondering (which you probably are not), that's a good thing.

Jim H. said...

that should read "Paar"

One of Sahl's recent observations: If Democrats formed a firing squad, it would be a circle.

Bleeet said...

Wow, thanks, Jim. I try to consume the DNA of as many sarcastic, satiric bastards as possible.

I like it deep-fried with teriyaki sauce for dippin'.

Henry said...

- Yes, my computer has firewire speeds of 100 mps!