March 7, 2007

A Play A Day #328

Catastrophic Failures

Nuclear Bomb
Henchmen - two, non-speaking

Setting: A bar.

(Earthquake and Flood sitting at bar, facing out)

Earthquake: There isn't enough water in the world to cover the whole planet.

Flood: Sure there is.

E: Not deep enough to kill everyone.

F: It would make the whole planet impassable, poisoning water supplies with human chemicals carried the world over on massive currents, disrupting weather patterns, and...

E: See... you need weather's help!

F: Well, yeah, but I'm the originating event!

E: No, no... one of me, big enough to cause massive shaking on a planetary scale, causing systems failure of many critical functions upon which people depend for their very survival.

F: No, because...

E: Electrical, communicative, natural...

F: A bunch of jiggling isn't going to knock these bastards out.

E: There will be enormous... uhh... fires... and...

F: See, you need fire's help! And mine. Who else is going to level coastal regions with unprecedented tidal waves?

E: Ohh... welll... uhhh...

(Enter Nuclear Bomb)

Nuclear Bomb: Ahh... you two... still wondering who wins the destroy-everything game?

F: (under his/her breath) Go blow yourself.

NB: Well, it ain't gonna be either one of you. Me and my friends, we get dropped in enough spots, boomy-boomy-boomy-boomy-boom! It's all over. Nuclear winter, etc...

E: Yeah, you need weather's help too!

NB: No. No, I do not, because this isn't weather. This is me. This is the world kissing my ash. Blocking out the sun. It's done. I win.

F: But, humans have to launch you. You do not have the ability to operate by yourself.

NB: So...

E: We control our own destiny. You sit unless acted upon. You wouldn't be the great destroyer; people would be.

(Enter Virus)

NB: Ahh... damnit... look who's here.

E: Not this guy again.

V: Hey, my big tough friends. What're you all doing in a scum-pond like this place?

F: Just talking.

V: Yeah? 'Bout what?

E: Things.

NB: Stuff.

V: Who's gonna end it all?

(long pause, E, F and NB exchange furtive glances)

E: (defiantly) Yeah, what about it?

V: And I suppose you're committing the Size Assumption?

F: Listen, you little...

V: Just a reminder... you can't see me... where am I? Right... you have no idea. All I need to do is mutate a few hundred more times... which should only take me a few years, and infect one person, and voila! Bye-bye humanity.

NB: (with bluster, but worried) No way, man... you're dreaming! Humans are smart... they won't let you do that!

V: Ohh... but they'll drop you willingly?

NB: Yeah. with me they divide. You, they'll unite against as a common enemy...

(Enter Human, panicky, but picking nose)

NB: ... and they're very bright... and... and...

V: Nice try.

Human: Hey, you guys hear 'bout there being four terrorists in here?

E: What?

F: Calm down, man.

Human: Wanting to destroy humanity?!

NB: He's talking about us, guys.

V: What's it to ya, buddy?

Human: Who said that?

E: It's not important.

V: Yes, it is!

H: Well, listen, I got something for you miserable fuckers! (calling over shoulder) Bring it in, boys!

(two burly henchmen with guns, haul in the sun, which has a bag over its head)

F: Holy shit!

V: Is that...

E: The sun!

NB: Father!

H: Now, listen here, and listen good... you four cease and desist your schemin' right now, or the sun gets it!

F: You wouldn't!

E: You moron. You'd die instantly.

V: The whole planet would be lifeless.

NB: You wouldn't survive.

H: Neither would you.

E: You would lose!

H: But you wouldn't win!

Sun: I hate to admit it, guys, but humanity's right. You can't eliminate humanity if you're eliminated too.

F: Game over, man.

H: So what's it gonna be?


E: You win. Floods will stop, earthquakes will stop, nuclear bomb... well, that one's up to people anyway... virus, you in?

V: Yeah, yeah... I guess.

H: Alright, boys, let the sun go.

S: (taking hood off, shaking away from captors, pointing at human) Listen, man... I'm the fuckin' sun! Don't jerk my chain, alright!!? You best wear some ultra-SPF lotion this summer, or it's cancer time for you and everyone you know! I'll be there... watching you, every damn day, me-rise to me-set.

H: Nice speech... now get outta here.

S: (exiting) I'll eat this miserable marble for breakfast one day, anyway!

H: Nice dealin' with you, guys. Now just keep real still while I leave, or it's over for us all.

(exits slowly)

V: So, was the stupidest smart thing or the smartest stupid thing ever?

NB: Shut up.

(lights start fading)

E: I feel like such a loser... I come from a long line of proud earthquakes, and now... this? Shit, I need another tall one.

F: (turning around on stool, raising his empty glass in his hand) Barkeep! Drying up over here!

(lights out)


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