September 18, 2006

A Play A Day #158



Setting: A garage, old car in one stall, chairs, beer cans, tools scattered in the empty stall, it looks like a crappy old garage, have a fling. Turk and Mips sitting in beat up lawn chairs, both have had a lot of beer. Turk has had more than Mips. The conversation is loud and erratic. Pacing doesn't have to be regular, there can be a lot of weird drunken pauses. Classic rock plays quietly from a boom box on a shelf.

Turk: (sitting) Nahh!

Mips: (also sitting) Yeah!

T: No shit?!

M: Yeah! No shit, man!

T: Shit! It's true?

M: It's true.

T: Fuuuuuucccckkk! Really?

M: Yeah, saw it myself, man.

T: Geezzz... whatthehell? Huh?! Whatthefuckinhellhuh?!

M: No idea, man. Saw it and shit!

T: You wouldn't, you know, cuz this is fuckin' serious, man, you wouldn't, cuz I love the guy.

M: You callin' me a liar?

T: No, no, nooooo, but, geeezzz, fuck, man, what the fucking hell is all I'm sayin', shit, I just, fuuuuck...

M: No lie, man.

T: This is too much... swear you're not lying?! Cuz if you...

M: (interrupts) Fuck no, no, man, shit...

T: (getting suddenly belligerent and errantly threatening as drunk guys do, interrupting Mips) ...if you were fuckin lying... I'd fuckin' kill you! I would!! Don't fuck with me, Mips, not about something like this, man, don't fuckin' fuck with me about something this fuckin' serious, man, cuz I'd fuck you up and shit, you know I would... just don't...

M: (interrupting) Not fucking lying, Turk!

T: (steamrolling right through Mips' line, getting more verbally aggressive and bellicose) ...cuz I fuckin' love the guy, he's my fuckin' brother man, fuckin' same frat, man!! Alpha Tau!!!! You don't fuck with that love, man, or I'll fuckin' cut your dick off and shove it up your own ass! No fuckin', Mips! He's my fuckin' bro... mutherfuckin' Alpha Tau, Mips... You lying, you dying, mutherfucker!

M: (trying to restore a bit of calm) I know, man... I know... I know, Turk... Alpha Tau, man, I know... I know, man... loyal to the guy... you should be, he's a good guy, Turk, I know...

T: He's a mutherfuckin' Great Guy, Mips! Great Guy!

M: Yeah, he is... my friend too, remember, you know? So, I know, man... I know... It's painful.

T: Great Guy!!

M: Yeah, I know, Turk. He's a great guy.

T: Great Guy!

M: Yeah, I know, Turk.

T: Great Mutherfuckin' Guy!

M: Yeah, yeah, he is, Turk.

T: Greatest mutherfuckin' cocksuckin' guy! Eeeevvveeerrrrr!!

M: Yeah, I know, man...

T: Fuck.

M: Yeah.

T: Fuck.

M: Painful, man.

T: Fuckin' Alpha Tau, man... Alpha Tau... shit (starts getting blubbery like drunk guys often do) I mean... fuckin' Alpha Tau, Mips... why can't it... Alpha Tau... why can't life be like that? Like Alpha Tau! You know! Shit... I mean it was just so fuckin' cool... just the guys, man! Before the fuckin' wives, man... we get shit jobs, live in shit houses, with shitty women and our mutherfuckin' horseshit kids! Fuck... you know... fuck...

M: Yeah. I hear ya.

T: Don't get me wrong, I love those fuckin' kids, Mips, they're fuckin' kids, you know... you gotta love the fuckin' kids, Mips... you gotta...

M: Yeah, Turk, you do...

T: I mean, you know? Don't you?

M: Yeah.

T: But that fuckin' bitch naggin' me all the time, why can't it be like... you know, fuckin' college... you know.... fuckin' Alpha Tau.

M: No idea, Turk.

(Owly enters)

Owly: Hey, guys!

(T and M exchange an ominous glance)

O: Beer me!

(T tosses him a beer, Owly catches it, sits down, he opens the bottle with his teeth, spits out cap, pause, Owly looks at both of them)

O: What the fuck's up, homos!?

(long pause)

O: Fuck, you faggots suckin' dick before I came in or something?! Shit, man! (pause) Fuckin' "Hello" or something would be a typical thing to say here.

T: (obviously been crying, quietly) Hi, Owly.

M: Hey.

O: Yeeooowwccccchh! You fuckers are stone-cold stone cold, man; what the shit's goin' on?

(M and T exchange somber glances again)

O: You fuckers cryin' 'bout some shit or something? Whatthefuck? Shit, you guys ain't saying anything.

M: Whatchya been up to, Owly?

O: Like, today... up to today?

M: Yeah.... whatchya up to, today?

O: Nothin' much, hanging at home... tying to figure out how to give the wife the slip. She's wants me to clean the fuckin' garage... (mimicing wife's voice) "Louis, get out there and clean that mess right now, or you'll sleep in it tonight." Whatever.... I tell her it's a fuckin' garage... supposed to be messy, you know...

T: Yeah.

O: So, I been hiding in the basement all day...

M: That's it?

O: Yeah... pretty much, sitting on my ass, (makes air quotes) "reading" some fine pornographical literature, you know...

M: In the basement.

O: Yeah, that's where I keep the stash, you know... I've shown you the stash, right, Turk?

T: Yeah, you've shown me...

O: Fuckin' right, Alpha Tau brothers, mutherfucker! (O and T do a secret handshake ritual, T does it half-heartedly)

T: Alpha Tau, man.

O: (to Mips, pointing at Turk) This fucker knows everything about me, man... where all the stashes are.... Alpha Taus, life to death, man. (slow, seriously) Life to fuckin' death. (wraps an arm around T for emphasis, then removes it)

M: Yeah.. I'll bet... do anything else today, Owly.

O: No... what the fuck is this, Mips, you a private dick alla sudden?

M: No, just wondering, Owly. Just wanted to know, you know?

T: Just curious, Owly...

O: Wha... you fuckin' jumpin' on my ass too?! The fuck?

M: Just wondering where ya been all day.

O: My wife put you up to this? 'Cuz you guys soundin' like big bitches to me right now.

T: (with difficulty) Naahhh... it's just... uhh... Mips here... says... he says... he saw ya downtown...

O: Yeah... oh, yeah... I had some errands to run this mornin'...

M: Around 3 this afternoon, you mean?

O: Wha... uhhh... yeah, there were a lot of errands and shit... so... uhhh... maybe it was around three when I was gettin' done...

(long pause)

O: Soooo?! What the fuck is this shit, guys?!

M: I saw you right near the corner of Hamden and Terrant.

O: No! I... I...

T: That's MY! Fuckin'! Corner! Owly!!

O: Shit, Turk! No! I was... I... was just doing errands, man! ... errands...

T: In MY pink leather miniskirt?!!

(O looks with increasing panic from T to M and back, as lights fade quickly)


1 comment:

Anonymous said...

OK- that made me laugh out loud.