September 4, 2006

A Play A Day #144

Eight Is Enough


Setting: Closed door meeting. It's a big room. Jupiter, Saturn and Uranus seated.

Jupiter: We'll just have to wait for the smaller guys to show up.

Saturn: Not just "guys", please.

J: Yeah, yeah... hey, no disrespect, ma'am.

S: Amazing how you can get so big and never really grow up.

J: Well, they are smaller.

S: So you're big; get over it. I'm huge too, but I still get along with everyone.

J: Hey, I get along fine with...

S: You spend all your time reminding us that you're the biggest; that's just implied bullying.

J: Just jealous 'cause I've never asked you out.

S: Please! Can we be serious; this is an important meeting.

Uranus: Yeah, c'mon guys...

J: And girls!

U: and girls...

S: "Women" would be more appropriate.

U: women, we really...

J: Please, we're not going to be held hostage to you policing our gender nomenclature. You said yourself that we are here for important business.

U: Well, we need to consider....

S: Nice change of tone, Jupe; though I doubt your intentions.

U: To... uhh... consider what we are...

J: Well, I'm a good guy at heart; I know this is major stuff here.

U: Yes, it is, and we...

S: Yes, it is, and we will need you on board...the whole time.

U: Exactly.

J: Don't fret your pretty little ice rings about it, you gu... two.

(enter Earth, followed quickly by Neptune, Mars and Venus)

S: Hey, guys! Welcome.

Mars: Guys and Ladies, I'm sure you meant! Hello, Darlings!

J: Hey, Marsie! Looking mighty fine!

M: Thanks big boy!

Venus: Get a room. Jeez.

M: Oh, you're such a poison pill.

V: We don't need flirting; we need to get this done.

M: Fine, I'm not sitting near you though... phewww... two words, dearie: Per Fume... gag.

V: I'm only as natural laws have made me, little tramp!

Earth: Enough, ladies. Why do I always get stuck between you two naggers.

M: Oohhh, I love it when you assert your manliness!

V: Him?

Neptune: Please can we not make subtle allusions to Earth's sexual orientation tonight.

E: It gets tiresome.

N: I agree; so let's make them loud and publicly!

M: Delightful!

E: Don't start!

S: Stop this nonsense; let's get - please! - down to the matter at hand.

N: (at "get" in S's line, coughing to sort of cover it) Buttboy!

S: Alright?

E: We're not all here yet.

J: Who's missing?

V: Mercury.

J: Oh, he'll probably be here quickly.

M: That boy can move.

(They all sit)

S: Anyone have any opening comments? Let's get a feel of where we all re on the matter, and then we can start talking about what to do, if anything.

(Mercury enters extremely fast, leads into his chair, panting slightly)

E: Hello, Merc!

M: Hands off, Earth! He's straight, and you know it. Hellloooo, Merc.

V: Do you anything in your life besides sex?

M: Some war, some sex... two sides of the same sphere.

Mercury: Sorry, I'm a little late.

S: We were just starting... now, opening statements?

J: I like the boy, but he's just off in his own little world out there... so far away. Is it worth the extension on our resources to have such an outlier... especially such a small one?

Me: We can't all be huge like you, Jupe; let's not use size in this argument.

M: Ohhh, but Mercy, size is very important to me.

Me: I just don't think that's all we should look at.

M: Ohhh, but I love looking at... it.

S: Please! Focus, you tawdry slut!

M: Such rough language from Madame Chairwoman! I don't know if I should be turned on or insulted.

S: How about real... be real.

M: You can't handle my reality, fattie!

V: (jumping in quickly) I'll go next. I like the little guy; he's not the most communicative member of the group, but seeing as many of the communicative members of this group are rude, selfish and childish, I don't have a problem with not hearing from him.

E: He deserves another chance. So he's tiny, and, yes, there have been others found that are bigger. I think there's no point in messing with the mix.

M: (stage whispering) Especially since Earthy found out he's probably bi!

E: That has nothing to do with it; you're the sex fiend.

M: Ohhh... think of me as a sex friend instead.

E: Whatever.

M: (to Earth) Maybe I could cure what ails you?

S: Next?!

Me: I'll go... I think we have to consider the distance issue. What does he contribute out there? Just out standing in his own weak gravitational field. I think it's just more work for the big boss, without a lot of return.

S: Hey, we don't know what the Sun wants! You can't pretend to have such an intimate knowledge of the Sun's desires. Remember, some of us don't even believe in the Sun.

Me: Well, it exists alright! I'm next to it all the time. It's right there!

S: This is not a discussion about the supernatural! Anyone else?

Me: I just think that...

S: Thank you, Mercury, we heard you. Anyone else?

M: Oh, alright, I'll go... let him stay... he's cold, but he's so adorable. And may him and Earth and I could have a real threesome, huh, Earth?

E: Please.

N: My turn... listen up, everyone, Pluto is a dick! Oh, sure, you may think he's all innocent rotating out there, doing his own thing, but that guy, has no sense of common decency...(pause) We share a bathroom, and the guy never flushes! It's frickin' disgusting! He borrowed my laptop a couple years ago; I haven't seen it since! Then I'm surfing the web couple days ago, what do I see? Some very private pictures of me that I know were on my old laptop! He cracked it, then sold the pictures to a... web site! Other things too, he's always pretending to be my friend, and then he makes a fool of me in front of his "friends". That's the thing! He's always hanging with these asteroid assholes! They are a bad influence, man! Just drifting out there, totally shiftless, nothing to do, clogging the place up with their junk.

S: Alright, thanks, Neptune. O.K. That everyone else, so my turn...

U: (small cough)

S: I believe we are at a crucial juncture in the history of this system. Many of us objected to Pluto's inclusion when we heard about it, some of us have grown a little more close to him, even if he is removed and cold. We have heard a mixed bag of complaints and compliments. I believe in redemption, so I would appeal to Neptune and Jupiter and Mercury to give Pluto a second chance. Anyone have any other... appropriate... thoughts?

J: Let's vote; I've got some moons to look after.

S: Everyone fine with that?

Me: Yeah, let's vote.

M: I'm with Merc!

V: Hate to agree with the tart, but, yes, we should vote.

(Saturns hands out ballots and pencils, they all turn them in, except Uranus, Saturn counts them)

S: One for, two for, one against, three for, two against, three against, four for Pluto staying... and... is that it?

(they look around, seeming to think that it is)

S: Well, I guess... hey wait, that's only seven... who...

(Uranus, head down, finally shouts out)


J: Well, cough it up man.

U: I kept my vote, because you bastards never let me speak! You never get my opinion! You don't listen to me!! I'm sick of it! How do you think it makes me feel!? Huh!?

E: Ooohh, we're very sorry...

N: (stage whisper) Figures Earth is always concerned about Uranus...

U: Keep joking, Neptune, but even if I'm Uranus, you're the asshole! I so sick of all of you! To you, I'm just Uranus! To me... well, I need to get out of this! I'm sure there's some other system out there that needs Uranus more than you do! So, I'm outta here, I recommend you treat Pluto better than you treated me! (throws his ballot on the table) I voted to keep the little bastard. He can have my orbit! I won't be needing it. (storming out) You can all just kiss Uranus good-bye!

(long pause)

S: I guess... that... that... uhh... makes it four-to-four. But, maybe we can... ummm... revote. Perhaps, we want to consider what Uranus said.

J: Sounds like with have an empty lot to fill, maybe this will take him out of Neptune's hair?

N: That would be nice. May he never foul my bathroom again!

Me: The big guy's not gonna like this...

(lights out)