A Play A Day #6

The Actors Spell

Characters:
First
Second
Third
The Author


First: I woud lik to beleev efrything that they toght me wen I went to there scools, even wen I wos verry yung, even in elamentery scool. Thads wy I stayd in scool so long, evenchully grajawateen from colij and than starding my doktorate dugree at Prinzdon. I wanded to beeleev. If I jist kood haf ben abul to get past that voiz, that voiz that honts us al, that voiz that tells u that u cand do it. It tares u up insid, and it nefer, efer shuds up. Wy cand I hav sum ...

The Author: Ummm... could you hold on, please?

F: Shur, wods up?

TA: Is something wrong today? You feeling alright?

F: Yeh, feel fyn, wy do u asg?

TA: Well, you're spelling is, how do I put this? It's, uhhh... way off?

F: My speleen?

TA: Yeah, like a kindergartner, except without the refinement.

F: My speleen?

TA: Yes, your "speleen", what's so hard to understand about that?

F: Im jist akteen up heer; I dont get how my speleen cood meen enitheen?

TA: Hey, don't misinterpret what I'm saying, O.K? This isn't about your acting.

F: It isent?

TA: Not at all. Your acting is top notch; believe me, I wouldn't have let you go on as long as you did if I hadn't been enjoying what you were doing with the character.

F: O. Gud.

TA: But I just couldn't listen to that putrid spelling any longer.

F: Ryt... ummmm... I stil don get it.

TA: I'm sure you just lost your concentration, huh? Let's go back and try it again, o.k.? From the top?

F: O.K.

TA: Whenever you're ready.

F: (considerably more nervous as he starts) I woud lik to beleev efrything that they toght me wen I went to there scools, even wen I wos verry yung, even in elamentery scool. Thads wy I stayd in scool so long, even... (TA is noticeably upset, approaches F) chully ...

TA: (trying to smooth it over, showing F the script he has written) Here's the monologue O.K.? I just want you to refresh your memory here. Maybe you're just tired; I understand. You need some time to get into it.

F: But u sed my akteen woz fyn.

TA: Yes, yes, it is.

F: So, wy did u stop me ugen? (indicating script) Em I nod sayeen theez wurds?

TA: Perfectly! It's just the spelling, that's the only issue.

F: But Im jist speeken; how do u evan no wod the wurds ar spelt lyk?

TA: Listen, I'm the author, alright. I know how I spelled the words, and you just can't seem to spell them correctly in your acting.

F: Im not trieen to spul them; Im onlee akteen!

TA: Let's not fight, O.K. Let's just go to the beginning and I'm sure we'll work out the kinks. O.K.?

F: O.K...

TA: Start when you're ready.

F: (very nervous and confused, he stumbles through the first part) I woud lik to beleev... efrything... that they toght me... bekuz... wen I went to there scools, even wen, ummm... even wen... even wen...

TA: Alright, alright, listen just have a seat for a while, take a breather out in the hall, here's a copy of the script. Read through it some more; pay close attention to the spelling. (pushing him off stage) Send in the next person for me, would you? Thanks. (F is gone) Unbelievable, you take all that time to write something, and they can't even get the words right. (Second enters.) Ahh, hello! Welcome. O.K. We are going to take the opening monologue, from the top. Now the character is lamenting his inability to believe in himself; he's lost in unfulfilled dreams... he doesn't really even know which dreams were his, and which were implanted by his high-pressure, win-at-any-cost peer group. He's in a lot of pain, bam, right from the start. That's what I'm looking for, O.K?

Second: O.K.

TA: Whenever you're ready.

S: (pause as he takes a breath, gets into character) I woud lik to beleev efrything that they toght me wen I went to there scools, even wen I wos verry yung, even in elamentery scool. Thads wy I stayd in scool...

TA: Stop! Stop. Stop. Ummm... yes... uhh... did you talk to the first guy or something?

S: No.

TA: Because, it's not a very funny joke.

S: Im not jokeen, thow.

TA: (takes a deep breath) Listen, here's what I wrote down; let me just read the first line of the monolgue: "I would like to believe everything that they taught me when I went to their schools; even when I was very young, even in elementary schools." Did you hear that?

S: Yez, isent that wod I sed?

TA: It's exactly what you said, but you spelled it completely wrong!

S: Speld?

TA: Yes, "speld". Completely wrong.

S: Im jist ackteen thow; Im not speleen.

TA: Clearly, you're not.

S: So, wod do u want?

TA: I want to hear it spelled correctly! It wouldn't hurt to be able to hear some apostrophes too.

S: O.K. Surtenlee.

TA: From the top. Please.

S: (more nervous) I woud lik to beleev efrything that they toght me wen I went to there scools, even wen I wos verry yung, even in elamentery...

TA: Why don't you go back out to the hall. Ask the first guy to look at his script when he's done with it, and send in the next guy when you get out there. (He stands exasperated as S leaves, Third enters.) Hi, hi. Alright let's get to business, now I'm going to want to start with the opening monlogue and... hey... before we do that, let me just know how well you can spell.

Third: Spel?

TA: (slight grimace at that minor error) Yes.

T: O... Im a reel gud spelur.

TA: O.K. Listen, this just isn't going to work out... I need someone who can spell what I wrote... please leave... just go... good-bye... send the other guys away too... (T leaves in great confusion) Jeez, you get these great actors, and none of them can really spel the pard for u. I meen, wodz nekst, itz jist not rite! Evrywon shood haf to no how to spel... oh shid... uve god to be kideen, now Im doeen it to my owen wurdz! Hoo rites this krap eneeway? (exits, lights down)