At three this morning, I was struck by the sheer legendary magnitude of supposed praise that was being hypothetically printed on the unreal jacket for my bogus book. Quotes have flooded in the way that only such unreal praise can: All at once from pretty much everyone and anyone you can think of, though none of whom can I specifically name.
Why did I do this?
Because writing is dangerous and lonely work, and most of you nutjobs never, ever show any appreciation for any of my writing, which means I must invent my own. So, here I go. Here's what I can only imagine is being said about my fake book...
"Incredible" - Famous Writer Lady
"This product crassly uses a story to manipulate the reader, but be not deceived: The story is entirely fictional!" - Moral Absolutist Critic
"Incredible" - Famous Writer Guy
"Half-way through this book, I had half of it left to read." - Precise Critic
"Go to a place where you can buy this thing, and buy it there! Tell them I sent you, but don't tell them why specifically. It's better to be mysterious; plus I'm not sure what I'm telling you to buy, and I don't want to get arrested for your illicit purchase." - Self-Important Celebrity
"Uncredible" - Not Quite As Famous For Very Good Reasons Writer Guy
"Something salmon face book go has positive time!" - Poorly Translated Foreign Critic
"This book contained 733 commas, each more fraught with pausing than the previous." - Even More Precise Critic
"Not credible at all." - Honest Critic
"Half-way through this book, I think I had about ninety percent of it left to read." - Very Imprecise Critic
"Intercredible" - Famous Writer Transexual
"These words will be on the book jacket with my name under them!" - Critic For All The Wrong Reasons
"As good as that other book by that other guy!" - Vague Critic
"I liked the word parts." - Lazy Critic
"Where this book succeeds is in telling a story that people will want to read." - Obvious Critic
"I read this book in public to be seen as literary and not just another pretty, wooden actress with fake breasts." - Fake-Breasted Wooden Pretty Actress
"This is a book." - Lazier Critic
"The flush of jejunely aspirational yearning of Etter's antagonist bolsters the chthonian regret of the protagonist's muddied desires." - Pretentiously Meaningless Critic
"I am writing words about what I perceive to be the quality of the words in this book!!!" - Excited Meta Critic
"Best movie ever!" - Very Confused Critic
"Book." - Laziest Critic