Let's just say these only work on extreme masochists, and since you are unlikely to find them, you have to be extremely masochistic yourself just to try them.
"You look so much skinnier through my telescope."
"Is that your face, or did an angel have immaculate diarrhea all over you?"
"Why don't you sit on my lap, and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up like the meat thermometer I just inserted into my penis."
"I would probably bathe for you."
"They're like tattoos, but I do them much faster and without all those boring details."
"I used to think I'd never find that perfect woman, but with your help, I'm sure we could figure out where I left most of her body."
"Have you ever had the feeling that destiny was standing and coughing right in front of you?"
"It's hard to believe how easy hair burns."
"Most people have no idea how hard it is to really be an asshole, you know?"
"My mom isn't using the whole bed; so why don't we go to her place?"
"You're more adorable than the last ferret I stuck in my pants."
"It's not that you're fat, it's that there's so much more of you to fondle inappropriately."
"My sense of humor is not recognized by most legal authorities."