October 26, 2010

Evolution F**ks Up

Evolution has been drinking heavily, not taking care of itself.  It's gotten sloppy.  Careless.  Relying on lesser paradigms to phone it in for itself.  

Recently, it went on a bender with phrenology, and was found naked three days later in a church basement babbling about how everything there was "totally awesome."

Evolution has made the following mistakes, and offered its sincerest apologies, saying, "It won't happen again!  Honest!  You gotta believe me, baby!  That wasn't me.  This is me.  I'm back, honey, for good this time!  Evolution gonna treat you right, baby!  I mean it!"

Cymbal Flounder - a very flat fish, concealing itself in the silty seabed, but like a percussive dinner plate, ringing clangorously with every move making it too easy a target for predators and keeping nearby coral reefs up most of the night

Donkitty - while adorable at birth, these furry, hoofed mammals quickly outgrow their scratching posts and remind us all why the pussy and ass are better left separated

ZeBra - part ungulate, part underwire, mostly unflattering, made for both poor sales figures and poor figures

Monkeys - these were supposed to have been killed off a couple million years ago when they lost to humans, but evolution admits to letting them hang around to see if they ever will type the complete works of Shakespeare and because of their penchant for wearing funny, funny hats

Girplatypus - the constant butt of evolution's jokes, throwing a giraffe's neck on the common platypus seemed really funny after all the theories in the bar were past their fifth mixed drink

Glenn Beck - it got this one right only to prove intelligent design is obvious bunk, but evolution has regretted it mightily ever since

Chickens - fat, flightless and faulty, this design should have been terminated long ago, but evolution could never determine if the chicken or egg died first

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