Stick Your Tongue Down My Throat You Miserable Son Of A Bitch
Cast:
Maureen
Ralph
Setting: Bare stage
(lights up, Maureen paces back and forth menacingly, Ralph is bound and gagged, sitting in a hard wooden chair)
Maureen: I mean, why shouldn't I just kill you?!
(Ralph strains against his bonds, eyes wide open and panicking, he tries speaking through his gag, which is a handkerchief stuffed into his mouth and secured by a large, ugly swath of duct tape)
Ralph: Mmmmppppphhhhh!
M: (running a finger very slowly along his throat) A long slit from here... to... here?
R: Mmmmpppphhhh!!!
M: You're pathetic, with your screaming! Why can't you take this like a man?
R: Mmmmpphhhh!
M: I've been on this Earth far too long to have my plans dashed by a little shit like you. When I say "jump", you should ask "Off what cliff?", and when I say "go to hell", you should be packing the sunblock in seconds.
R: Mmmmpphh!
M: Why? Why?! Because I'm in charge, that's why! You have no say in the way things work in this situation. You are under my control.
R: Mmmmpphhh!
M: I am your queen and your commander! I am your deliverance and your nightmare! I am your darkness and your light! I am the Most-High-Goddess of all possible Bitches.
R: Mmmmmpppphh!
M: You? You? You are nothing. You are less than nothing. You are beneath me, you are beneath the pile of nothing that nothing stands on to be counted as nothing. You are that low.
R: Mmmmppphhh.
M: I could slit your throat, I could smash your knees, I could burn off your hair, I could tear off your nose.
R: (crying now) Mmmmpppphhhh!
M: But none of that would feel right, if... if... if I didn't acknowledge that seeing you like this is making me incredibly... hot!
R: (eyes open even further, straining even more frantically against his bonds) Mmmmppphhhh!!! Mmmppppphhhhh!!!
M: And wet...
R: Mmmppphhhh!!!
M: And there's something that needs to be done...
R: Mmmppphhh!!!
M: Some way that I must find my satisfaction...
R: Mmmmpppphhhh!!
M: Somehow, I must exact the most pleasurable consequence...
R: Mmmmppphhhh!!
M: To teach you one final lesson...
R: Mmmpphhhh!!
M: And get me off in the process!
R: Mmmmmppphhhh!!!
M: I'm going to remove this gag know... oh my, yes, that will sting... and I'm going to kiss you...
R: Mmmmppphhh!!!
M: And you're going to kiss me back. Hard!
R: Mmmmppphhhh!!
M: I'm going to stick my long, strong tongue down your throat, and you're going to stick your tongue down mine, you miserable son of a bitch!
R: Mmmmppphhh!!!
M: Ready?
R: Mmmmmppphhh!
M: Ahhh... what do I care if you're not?
(she tears the duct tape off quickly and roughly, pulls the handkerchief from his mouth, he screams)
R: Okay!!! Okay!! I'll do the damn dishes!!!
(she smiles wickedly and exits)
M: I knew you'd see it my way.
R: (calling after her) You have to untie me first.
(pause, lights fading)
R: Awww, c'mon Mom!
(pause)
R: Mom?
(lights out)
(end)
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