May 16, 2014

Traffic Laws and Driving Protocol

If four vehicles arrive at a four-way stop at exactly the same time, all drivers must immediately exit their vehicles and discuss how cool it was.

Pedestrians are hostile. Curse at them proactively.

Passing another vehicle on a sharp curve of two-lane road is extremely dangerous and, therefore, illegal. Don't be a pussy. Go for it.

All grocery purchases must be secured with a seat belt. Each watermelon must have its own booster seat and name.

Until your income reaches certain heights, drunk driving is illegal.

All motorcyclists must wear a helmet.  Bad motorcyclists must wear two.

When poor traction causes you to lose control of your vehicle, swear into the skid.

To improve visibility during adverse weather conditions, drive in your garage only.

When stopped by a police officer, exit your vehicle quickly and sprint toward the police car so the officer doesn't have to walk so far to give you a ticket.

Speed limits are very pessimistic.  Most modern vehicles have limits that easily surpass them.

When driving by a school or other area where children are gathered, lessen the chance of an accident by slowing to three miles per hour, rolling down your window and whistling a non-threatening tune at them.

Left turns on red are legal if only you believe!

To help other drivers see you, drive as close to them as possible.

Passengers are allowed one free vroom-vroom noise per trip.

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