1 - My wholehearted embrace of the neoconservative awareness of education's dangers.
2 - Drugs, but just the ones that make you a better and trendier person.
3 - What love's got to do with it - the definitive answer.
4 - Words I mumble behind the backs of nervous people.
5 - How many words I have left before I reach the column's 500-word limit, updated word by word.
6 - Everyone who has ever hurt me and their current, most important computer passwords.
7 - Unconventional and treacherous uses for the semicolon.
8 - Dogs that I think are assholes.
9 - The launch of my new magazine, Modern Vowel!