One of the more Christianesque colleges in my town, puts on a big whopping Christmas concert every year. So many people want to see it that, invariably, dozens of eager prospective audience members are trampled to death by even more eager prospective audience members in the crush for tickets.
Joke's on the squished and the squishers though. Turns out, even if you do manage to get in to see this fabled concert, you only get to hear church music!
The very thing they spent most of their childhoods trying so hard to avoid has turned around and pulled them in with a quickness and a sickness. To wit, three-plus hours of slowly-modulating dirges blur forward with nary a kick-drum flourish or guitar solo. The year I saw this massive mass, security dragged me from my seat when I threw my underwear onto the conductor's dais.
I'm not bitter about it though. It was the only sound strategy I could devise to get past the entranced throngs and out the door, and it was all of my underwear - even the old pairs I use to polish furniture. Also, I did have a sneaking suspicion that raising my lighter and shouting for "Radar Love" might have irked some.
You'd think everyone would figure out what they will be subjected to by the concert titles. Here's a sampling of the high-minded appelations of some recent shows:
Love Divine, Illumine Our Darkness
O Come To Us Abide With Us Our Lord Immanuel
Where Peace and Love and Hope Abide
Dawn of Redeeming Grace
All this abiding and luminescence stimulated some thought that this show might draw in more unsuspecting attendees if they were a little more circumspect in their naming. Why not try these concert titles on for size?
1. Bring It / Sing It!
2. The Lowercase T Chronicles
3. The Larynx Strikes Back
5. One Gym Tour '09
6. Topless 'n Bottomless - No Soprano, No Bass
8. Jesus! H! Christ!
9. Kickin' It Old Old Old Old Old Old School
10. Crushing Melody
11. A Warhol Film For Voice
12. Naptime For Grandpa
13. The Flavorless Desolation Of Divine Love
14. Off With Their Robes!
15. Once More Without Feeling
16. Saw V: The Concert