My friends, I want to speak to you very seriously about a very serious issue in this very serious campaign.
An issue I have somewhat stoically and altogether heroically refrained from addressing these many months.
You see, I thought that this campaign could be about the issues that really matter: me, my smokiness, my sensuality, my brilliant ideas, and my smoky sensuality.
Sadly, my friends, we can no longer afford the luxury of winning this campaign on the content of my sensual character. The landscape has changed. Votes I thought I could count on are now hanging chads in the tossed salad of democracy.
My opponents, my friends, my opponents are crafty and entirely unscrupulous in their manipulation of the electorate. But ask yourself this: "Do I really know who these two other candidates are?"
Chances are you, my friends, don't.
Oh, sure, you who know who they say they are, but what do you know of these two pretenders - these interlopers, these non-Brendons - to my eventual mayorship?
Very little. That's because they're hiding something. They're covering something up.
They are throwing a creamy dressing on top of that tossed democracy salad.
And that creamy dressing, my friends, is ranch.
Yes, my friends, I must come out and disclose that which my opponents do not want you to know.
They are white!
Both of them.
My decision to break this story, my friends, was made with a heavy heart. I do it only to protect your interests.
I liken it to playing a game of poker. I have my hand. I know I can win if I play it right, but my opponents have aces up their sleeves. They're holding out on you, the voter!
So, frustrated by their secretive, distrustful ways, I slap down my cards, get up from the table, and go to the fridge. When I come back to the game, I serve them notice that, from that point on, I will be eating Race Chips, drinking Race Beer, and smoking Race Cigars, but I will only be playing the No-Race Card.
My foes have cunningly avoided mentioning their race this entire time. Can they be trusted, my friends? Did they expect us to just believe they had a race of some sort? Clearly, they don't, and I need everyone to understand that.
I respect my future constituency too much to let you all be drooling suckers (again) for the lie that they were not untelling. Don't fall into that trap, my friends, into the phony appeal for racial understanding; for with my opponents, there can be no racial understanding.
They are simply not racial.
I hope now, my friends, you can see my challengers for who they really are.
Two white people.
Thank you, my friends, for listening.