For Cute
Cast:
Lincoln
Barabara
Set: Work, dull office space, two dull white office workers, two desks, two chairs, and a lot of "cute" stuff for Barabara's desk: A stapler cozy, only starts to cover the cute her desk contains. Lincoln enters with a small box with his desk gear in it.
Barabara: (standing up) Oh hi!!! You must be Lincoln!! What a cute name! My name's Barabara! I'm your new office mate! So exciting!!
Lincoln: Uhh... hi... Bara-bara?
B: Yep, that's me! This is your desk! (it's obvious, of course)
L: Yes. I thought it might be.
B: When I first came into this office, they told me to take that desk, but, just between you and me, Lincoln: I thought this desk (points to his) was way cuter! (they are identical)
L: Yes... it seems... nice.
B: So that's your chair, lucky boy! What a cute chair!
L: I think yours is, you know, just great too.
B: Ohhh! You flatterer! That's so cute!
L: Hmmm?
B: My chair hurts my butt!
L: Well, I'm sure mine will hurt my... uhh... when I sit down... sit for a long time to do work too.
B: That's was just the cutest thing evar! You are so cute!! Not saying "butt"! That was just too cute!!
L: I... uhhh... it's...
B: (in confidential tone) You can say butt around me, Lincoln. I don't mind!
L: Well, I'd like to, but I just want to be appropriate... it's my first day and...
B: (waving her finger, then putting her fingers in her ears, in mock horror) But, you just said "butt", but, oh no, Lincoln!! Oh no!!
L: Ohh... yeah, the conjunction, that but, yeah, I guess, I have...
B: (mock fainting in a glamorous but helpless damsel-in-distress manner) Oh save me from this rude attack of butts, Prince Lincoln! (falls into his arms)
L: (struggles to catch her) Uhh... yeah... (tries to laugh, she stays in that position for just one second too long, laughing)
B: Ohh... Lincoln! My hero! That was just so cute!! Ahhh!!! You're so strong!
L: I... thanks... uhhh... I should be getting my dress... desk, my desk... straightened away...
B: Are you saying my dress is crooked, Lincoln? (fusses with her dress)
L: No, I... I mispeak sometimes... it's a hard habit to get around... your dress is fine! It's fine! I... it...
B: Thanks! I love this dress! I saw it at Gagabouts in the Daledale Mall!! And I was with my girlfriends, Chrissy and Melissy, and we saw it, and I had to race them into the store to buy it!! Isn't it just about the cutest thing evar?!
L: It's... yeah... I've been in that Mall before...
B: It's the cutest mall in the history of malls! Cutest mall evar!
L: Yeah.. I... I liked it?
B: I got these shoes there too! They are so, ohmigod! They are like ohmigod-cute! Cutest ohmigod-cute in for-evar!
L: They... they do look nice with the thing and the... the ... uh... shoe part.
B: Oh... listen to me, going on about shoes. You're so cute to humor me! That is just about the cutest thing a co-worker can do for another co-worker... it's just so tender-cute.
L: Ohh... I... don't know much about...
B: You are just so cute to me, and I know we only just started working together, but I can tell that we are going to be the cutest working couple in the history of people working in this office!
L: I... I'm... uhh... well I sort of have a girlfriend and...
B: I bet you do, Lincoln, cute thing like you! Lucky girl! Is she cute?
L: Yeah... I think.. I think so... I mean...
B: I'll bet she is, Lincoln, cute thing like you! I'll bet she's just the cutest sort of girlfriend evar!
L: Well. I... uhh... hey... Barbara?
B: Bara-bara.
L: Right... Bara... bara... uhh, is that Japanese?
B: What?
L: Your name? Is Barabara a Japanese name?
B: Ahh... so cute! That was just... wow! That was just the cutest, adorablest thing that a guy has ever asked me evar!
L: I was just curious... you don't... ummm... you don't have to answer.
B: Ohhh... I want to answer! It's not Japanese! I changed my name from Barbara to Barabara... the extra "a" just makes all the difference, so my name's like a cute little song... (sings her name in an annoying-cute manner a few times too many) So now before, when my name was just Barbara, I was in this cute high school, and it was cute, but, you know, just cute, and then I graduated and added that fourth "a", and now look at me! I work here in the cutest office evar!
L: Ohh.. yes, yes... you do.
B: I'm thinking about adding a fifth "a", since the fourth one was just so cute!
L: (tries valiantly) Cutest letter "a" evahhhhr! (fails miserably)
B: (not understanding his over-exaggeration) Well, at least evar. (pause) Oh you... definitely going to be great working buddies here!
L: Sure... sure...
B: But I've always had good luck with all my office buddies here!
L: Really?
B: Each cuter than the last!
L: Yeah?
B: Yep, you're going to be the cutest co-worker evar! Cuter than the other four put togethar!
L: Wow! Four other people, before, before... me? You look so young.
B: Ohh for cute! That flattery again! I know I look young, but don't let that deceive you; I'm almost 21!!
L: Wow! Okay... I... I... I... guess... I never would have guessed that!
B: Yes, silly, don't act so surprised, I've been slaving away here for almost three months!
L: Oh! Ahhh... yes, well, those other people just... uhhh... people just come and go quickly when they're starting out in a new company I guess... probably got assigned to... to other offices?
B: Oh heavens no! Ohhh nooo, they all quit, well, three of them quit, one of them killed himself.
L: Killed! Really? Killed?
B: I guess that's, like, extreme quitting.
L: That's horrible, how did he die?
B: Lots of gravity. Found him fourteen floors below that window. (points straight behind her)
L: He jumped?
B: Well, he sort of hurled himself into the window, and then he fell. Not so much of a jump.
L: That's... horrible... I mean.
B: I know, this was one girl who took a third coffee break that day!
L: I... I can't believe that they still make you...
B: Oh, you care so much, and that's so cute! Truth is, I wanted to stay in this office, especially after they put a nicer window in... you know to replace the one Theo broke with his body and bones and stuff.
L: Theo was his name?
B: Ohh, you are such a carer! Oh for cute! Theo was great, real cute guy, just say the cutest things... like "I suppose today really is the first day of the rest of my life" and "Make sure someone feeds my gerbils" and... oops, forgot about that... how long do gerbils live with no food?
L: I... I don't...
B: He was so cute... real funny guy... sort of sad-cute at times, but we got along so well... We were just a cute little working team for a week and a half, Theo and me!
L: Well... I hope...
B: Although I liked Brant even more! What a cutey! (in deep voice) He was all big and muscular and scary! He was real cute, angry-cute... he'd say the cutest things... like "Please stop faxing me pictures of puppies" and "Do you have any friends who's names don't end in "y"" Note to Lincoln: I have two: Tessie and Leslie. And, one time he said the angriest-cutest thing evar... he said "It's pronounced Ev-urrrr!" Then he ran down the hall and I haven't seem him since. So cute though.
L: I really should...
B: But the real cutest one was Derek! For cute!?? Oh yeah! Real cute... like a PhD in Cutieography, with a Cuteology degree on the side... he was always showing up for work at odd times, sneaking in like a cute little mousey-wousey... just too cute... I'd find him hiding under his desk, kinda shivering, so I'd grab my shawl and crawl under there with him... pretend we were on a campout, he never spoke much, but I know he liked it. His head was always shaking up and down real fast; one of the most positive people I ever met... too cute... just didn't show up for work one day...
L: That's too bad, I should get going to the...
B: But the last guy, he was here the longest, almost four weeks! He was just the small wittle guy! I just wanted to pick him up and cuddle him... SOOO CUTE!!! His name was Todd... but I called him Toddles... Hey, I couldd make up a pet name for you... uhhh... I got it... Linkles? Ohh, that's too cute! Definitely using that one! So, Toddles and me, we worked really, really, really great together! We were like the cutest working couple in the history of history for-evar! One day, he said he wanted to try something new in the office, and what do you think he proposed? What? Huhh...
L: I...
B: Right, honesty!! How cute is that? If you looked up "cute" in the cutest dictionary in the cutest dictionary library on cutest street in the cutest city in the cutest state in the cutest country on the cutest planet in the cutest universe EV-AR! that's where you'd find what Toddles said to me! "Barabara," he said, "I think we need to try some brutal honesty around here", he said. Sooo amazingestly the cutest thing ever said by anybody in anywhere for-evar!
L: Yeah... I...
B: So after that, Toddles was just so brutally-cute at work... he'd kinda rummble-rumble all the time, like a cute little train making it up that cute little hill. And when he wasn't doing his cute rumbling sounds, sometimes he'd say something like "Would you just shut the hell up for once!?" or "You're driving me insane, you horrible monster!" or "I'm going to stab you in the fucking eye with my pen!"... and he did!
L: WHAT?!
B: I know... it did hurt, I had to take almost a whole day off work too! But now, I have this cute little fake eye (pops it out, shows it to him, which makes him queasy and uneasy, she pops the eye back in) It's really cute, I can get a whole assortment of fake eyes, different ones for different ocassions! It's the cutest fake body part evar!
L: I have the..
B: So what's in the box? (goes for it)
L: (moves to shield the box) No... I have the orientation...
B: (grabbing photo) Ahh... this is the cutest picture of a sorta girlfriend I have seen evar!
L: Please... (taking photo from her).. the new employees have to...
B: (grabbing his stapler from the box) Guess what... you are so lucky, cuz my friend, Sissy, makes thee cutest little stapler cozies evar! No more touching cold plastic staplers! So cute...
L: Reall, I'll just take care of my stuff later...
B: I could take care of it for you while you're at your meeting thingy! Yeah, it'll be fun! I'll set up you desk in a really cute...
L: BARABARA!! NO! (quieting quickly) I... I'm sorry.. I didn't mean to...
B: Hey! You barked at me! Like a cute widdle puppy-wuppy doggie... ahhh! For cute! That just settles it, we are going to be the cutest working couple evar!! Now don't miss your meeting!
L: (beat) Yeah... I... (turns and exits quickly, looking back over his shoulder once or twice)
B: (calling after him, while removing items from the his box) Don't you fret, you cute widdle barking puppy dog! I'll take care of all this! It'll be real cute, Linkles!
(she claps her hands excitedly and rapidly, and then starts going through the stuff, as lights fade)
(end)
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