Jesus said a lot of stuff. Religiologists have, over the years, sponged clean his spoken record to make him look super cool. If they could, they'd probably auto-tune his voice too so he would always seem to hit just the right moral pitch.
Here are some of the things Jesus said which many evil bastards have conspired to keep from you, the average people; the people Jesus sort of tolerated when he was hanging around all those years ago.
1) Always share your french fries.
2) Dumb people will believe anything, and desperate people will believe everything. Seriously, it's hilarious.
3) Pee not on another's shoe.
4) Always think the best of your fellow man, unless you really hate your fellow man, and don't get me started on your fellow woman... oh boy.
5) If your neighbor's house is larger than yours, point out their personal flaws as much as possible.
6) The first rule of Jesus Club: Don't make rules for Jesus Club.
8) Thou shall not do that thing... you know what it is.
9) If something is like an abomination unto me, that's bad. Steer clear. However, if something is, like, an abomination unto me? And I say it with my vocal inflection rising at the end, then that means I'm not totally sure if it is or is not an abomination or just sort of abomination-ish. What I'm saying is you have some ethical wiggle room with the second type.
10) If a substance is unknown and gooey and stuck to the floor under the couch, don't try to determine what it is with your tongue.
11) Put that back.
12) Hey guys! Watch this!
13) Sometimes when I look at the world, I think that it's just really big and lots of weird stuff happens and it's confusing too, but it's still so awesome, you know?
14) Sure, wussy humility is fine with me, I guess.
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