JOKE 1A naked woman walks into a bar followed by a bighorn sheep. She is carrying half a zucchini and a parrot.
She cries to the bartender, "You gotta help. This bighorn sheep has been following me around all day, and now, it attacked me and ate all my clothes and half this zucchini!"
The bartender asks her, "What's the parrot for?"
The naked woman says, "Companionship."
JOKE 2A man dies and goes to Heaven. He gets to the gates and finds a person named Steve checking people in.
"Where's St. Peter?" asks the man.
Steve tells him that St. Peter gets off work at 5 p.m.
The man says, "Oh." He also notices that the gates are much more bronze than pearl. He wonders why people have been so misinformed about something that basic.
JOKE 3Six guys walk into a bar. Over the course of many beers, they each take a trip to the bathroom. The last man to do so returns to the table and says, "Man, you guys really did stink up the men's room!"
They laugh because it's true, and this last guy has changed into women's clothing for no discernible reason.
So, his friends are also laughing because of their discomfort with the situation.
One of them comments that he likes the color of his high heels, and then the night ends with a lot of silence and disbelief.
JOKE 4A tiny cat approaches a pit bull and claws at the dog's nose. The pit bull says, "That was unkind." The cat apologizes and realizes that it was, indeed, unkind. It was also unnecessary. The cat feels great shame.
JOKE 5A giraffe and turtle are talking after work. The turtle has to shout to be heard by the giraffe, but she doesn't mind because the giraffe is a good friend. The giraffe tells the turtle that he can't make it to the turtle's party the next night.
"Why not?!" shouts the turtle.
"I have to visit my aunt in the hospital. She had a stroke," replies the giraffe.
"I'm sorry to hear that!" the turtle bellows. "I had a stroke once!"
"Really?" asks the giraffe.
"Yes! But you probably couldn't tell because I'm very far away from you and walk slowly and awkwardly even when in the best of health," answered the turtle.
"That's true," notes the giraffe.
Sadly, the giraffe's aunt died a week later.
JOKE 6A Jew and a young black man bump into each other on the sidewalk. The young black man works in finance and the Jew is a rapper, because you are not expecting that.
JOKE 7A man and a woman are trapped on a desert island. Neither of them can figure out why it is called a desert island when there are abundant sources of food and fresh water within its interior. They think that it's an injustice and vow to change the public's perception of this island should they ever get rescued.
One day, a bottle washes up on the beach, but neither of them sees it because they usually sleep under palm trees in the hot afternoon. Anyway, it's no big deal, because it's just a bottle. It is washed out to sea by shifting evening winds and low tide.
JOKE 8A teenage boy enters a drug store. He boldly steps to the counter and asks for a box of extra large condoms, but then when they are rung up, he realizes that he doesn't have enough money. So he asks if they have any used condoms he can buy at a discount.
The clerk laughs loudly and says that no one sells used condoms. The young man leaves embarrassed, but he resolves to pursue this new business possibility.
JOKE 9During a party at her boyfriend's house, and young woman gets drunk and falls asleep in the bathtub. People take pictures of her sleeping in the tub and post them on the internet and type things like "LOL!!!!" as captions.
It is truly enlightening.